Thursday, February 12
Feb. 12 Thursday
Give me one valid reason why I shouldn't do it, and I won't.
I'm dying.
I know it. I can feel it. It's getting harder to breathe.
But the funny thing is...the day started out kinda' nice. I woke up to a brownout this morning, and I actually found it fun to go around the house with an eerie lamp in my hand. But then, I got to school real late - which is a big deal to me, because I was late only about twice in my whole school lifetime. Mrs. Jose was really angry at our batch because of our hair-thin attention span. Great. I just had to be late the day she was in a bad mood. I had to get the late slip all the way from the admin office. What a bummer. I was sprinting along the path because it was Lab. the first period, and it was our group who was presenting our oral defense first. Well, it wasn't such a spectacular performance, but I delivered our really long methodology quite well. I didn't get to finish our algebra quiz, and had to go through Sir Beni's anger fits again. I got to recite a lot during English, but had to suffer through a quiz in Filipino. Computer wasn't as bad as I expected it to be, since I thought I didn't get to save my Coreldraw valentine's card project last week. Turns out I did, and everyone liked the printed version. It was a picture of these huge hearts in different colors and textures - but in the lower left corner of the card, there was a really tiny plain red heart that was left out. The words on the bottom read: It may be small, but it beats only for you. I'm not at all good with love and hearts thing, but everyone seemed to like my work. I should've told them what the words were REALLY supposed to say: It may be a small sucker, but it beats only for you! I know I shouldn't have told them what design I REALLY wanted to make: It was supposed to be a plain white card, with a plain white heart in the middle with all these scratches, tears, stitches, arrows, darts, chains, knives, daggers, and barbed wire piercing it; and at the bottom, there are these plain red words that read: GOT BLOOD? Well, they were just too horrified at my descriptions to even react. Oh well.
I wanted to die so many times everyday, but today was special. My curse manifested itself once again. Another friend was being stolen from me. Another friend had killed me. I helped her through some self-understanding problems of hers, but then she, like so many others, was turning away from me. I tried to talk to her, but she was probably avoiding me. When reality sunk in, the pain in my chest seemed to slowly pound its way throughout my body. For a few minutes in Filipino class, I had to fight for every inhale and exhale without attracting attention to myself. There was this little voice in the back of my head going: "Stupid. You knew this was going to happen ever since the beginning. You knew you were going to end up like this, and yet you still hung on to your puny concern-for-others crap. When will you comprehend that YOU JUST CAN'T LOVE PEOPLE! NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU TRY, THEY WILL ALWAYS END UP HATING YOU, AND YOU WILL ALWAYS END UP LIKE THIS! FORCING BACK EVERYTHING, BEARING EVERYTHING IN SECRET, HIDING EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING YOU HAVE EVER FELT! AND NO MATTER WHAT OTHER PEOPLE SAY, THEY WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND YOU EVEN IF THEY TRIED!!! Well, what are you waiting for? You have no purpose in this world, you only hurt people! You suffer for no reason, and yet you still hang on to this trashdump of a life! A person like you doesn't deserve to live!" The voice was right. I felt like my nerves were crackling, and like I was rotting inside. I couldn't feel the pen in my hand nor hear the chatter of my classmates. I was in a daze until dismissal time. Everything just felt numb and I couldn't think of anything other than how it would feel like to kill myself. The thought had crossed my mind many times before, but like I said, this was special. It seemed as if I was looking straight ahead - no other path other than this. This kind of thing happened to me only once before: I was talking to my 'best friend' over the phone and told her that I coldn't take it anymore and that I was holding a knife to my heart. I was practically begging her for a reason to hold on, but you know what she said? She sighed, and muttered: "Oh, this is just great. What a way to end my week." After that, she hung up and never talked to me again. That was a keeper. Considering the fact that we had so much in common, went through so many things, shared the same thoughts - I couldn't accept the fact that in her new school, she was gaining popularity by using all of my ideas, theories and attitudes, and claiming to everyone that they were all originally hers. I didn't get to die that night, because in the stillness and emptiness of our house, I could hear the voices of my friends and family calling my name. God had intervened once again.
But God didn't seem to want to intervene this time. He probably got bored of making me suffer. So I walked on, dragging myself up to the Multi. It was then that I saw my friend. She didn't see me, though, and I was getting killed all over again. Instead of calling her attention, I just stood there, fought back the tears, and let the pain wash over me. I prayed to God to please bless her, help her with her problems, guide her through her life, let her find hope and love in herself and in others. I prayed to God to be with her, because she needed Him now more than ever. I also asked Him that if He needed us both to suffer, to please just let me endure all of it, because she deserves to be happy.
And with that, I lost it. I threw my head back and looked straight up at the sky. No more reasons. No more reason to hold on. I've done all that I could, God. What do You say to that? Well, He didn't really answer me, but in a way, I think He did. Raindrops started to fall on my face. I opened my eyes. The sky was a wondrous overcast and in no time, I was being drenched in rain. For some reason, I felt better - lighter - cooler. Well, what do you know. Somebody does listen to me. I guess I'll live for now. But still, I can feel that I won't be able to stuff any more emotions in me. It's getting harder to breathe.
IceQueen out.