Monday, February 9
Feb. 9 Monday
If you think you're all alone in this world, you're not.
Deal with it.
Wow. Another Monday. Lots of new revelations are discovered on Mondays...so I guess I'm quite normal for now. All I can say is...
I FOUND HER! I FOUND HER!!! WHOAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Finally! Thank God!!
Dunno if I should mention her name, though...
Today, I discovered who the illusive Silent Sufferer is! Someone who I almost didn't expect...but then, I had a feeling it was her. Always laughing, always telling jokes, always stooping, always making fun of me, always...well...weird. Weird has many categories, though, and she pretty much falls under...interesting funny weird. Well, turns out almost everything I thought was right. That's a first. She read my blog entries and thought that the descriptions were more than just coincidence. So she talked to me during lunchtime - she wanted to know if it was her emotions I was picking up. Of course, concerned as I was, I still asked her why she wanted to know. Almost a bad idea. She had to send away her friend that was with her - which is not a good thing. You'll find out in a moment. So she just stood there and went on explaining her situation as I paced around trying to digest everything. I couldn't really hear everything she was saying, because for some reason, I was hyperventilating and my heart was beating so damn hard in my ribs. It was her. I had to interrupt: "Wait...Your heart is racing like hell." She paused in disbelief and said: "You can tell that? Teach me how you do that!" Heh. Well, involuntarily picking up emotions from other people isn't all that bad - just...confusing. So, back to the conversation...well, she said it was just between me and her. It's a matter of my diminishing innocence and moral values. Ok. No problem. So, I tried the 'touch' thing and put a finger to her palm. Well, I couldn't really feel anything coz of the noise around. So as a last resort, I looked into her eyes. It was a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. I had to rub my eyes a couple of times to focus. Another issue about moral values: I was always taught that staring is rude. And I was always taught that the eyes were the windows to the soul. Well, looking into a person's soul isn't that easy. I never used this ability of mine ever since I was a kid. So, for the last time, I looked in her eyes and told her to focus her emotions. And for a few seconds, it worked. I can't really describe what I saw and felt, but...just for the heck of it...it's not your normal technicolor TV picture - more of a greenish hue. And in a flash, I saw almost everything: figures, sceneries, people, shapes, smoke - all of which were just jumbled things. But then, I saw clear but sudden and fleeting scenes: a house, a hand holding a letter, the highschool building, huge trees with the wind blowing through it, rainclouds, the CD cover of Evanescence, the payphones at the MPBuilding, a girl who was sleeping, the reflection in a mirror, a crucifix, a hand reaching out to someone's back, a hand with bruises on the knuckles, a couple of people (probably her family), a picture - or a painting...
And the emotions...woah. Just like mine. Pure anguish and hopelessness, unrequited love at its worst, muffled pain, numbing torture - the works.
I almost cried as I realized that someone was going through almost exactly what I was. So I had to look away and tell her: "Stop...You're gonna make me cry." So she did. And at that moment, an unexpected savior arrived. Agnes came over, stood right in front of me and started chatting away. I was so relieved to feel a cheerfully beating heart, that I hung on to Agnes for dear sanity. I was muttering something like: "A different heart! Kind! Loving! Happy! HAPPY!" Must have seemed weird for both of them. When I finally got to my senses, I whispered to Agnes: "Hug her. She needs one. Now." And so she did. Thinking it was some kind of joke, she hugged her - practically crushed her ribs. Even I felt the uneasiness at first then the fluffy comfortable feeling of being hugged by someone who cares. Aww. (Are you crying yet?) But then, the second bell rung and Reality hit like a ton of bricks. Statistics! Damn! Where's my book? Without any time for thanks, I started pointing up at the ceiling and shoo her away up the stairs. "Hurry up! You're going to be late! Go now!" And she raced off, laughing all the way. Well, at least she felt better. And surprisingly, I did too. I felt sort of lighter. I guess the lessons in CLE do pay off: Blessed are those who mourn, they shall be comforted. That's coz I was going through hell too, and no one will ever understand me. Ever. That's because I'm cursed (I think). Everyone who I care for and love almost always end up getting hurt one way or another. And the more I love the person, the more they suffer. The amount of love I have for the person is directly proportional to the amount of pain they get in return. It's so exact, you can make it a science. I couldn't stop grieving for myself, and yet, when I helped someone else, I sorta felt healed too. God works so mysteriously. Oh, well, I'm just hoping that I helped her understand that SHE'S NOT ALONE IN THIS SEEMINGLY GOD-FORSAKEN WORLD. (I know you're reading this! Haha!) TREASURE YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS! AND THAT GOES FOR ALL OF YOU OTHER SUICIDAL SADO-MASOCHISTS OUT THERE! DEAL WITH IT!!! Sorry, that one slipped out.
Remember: wallowing in your sadness and pain won't do anyone any good. So try to help someone in need and in so doing, you will find you have healed yourself too...Plus, you'll find Jesus! (Do I sound like a mother?)
Believe me, it ain't so easy either to be a sado-masochist and talk about finding Jesus at the same time. Just don't lose faith, OK?
I gotta post this, coz I only have a few minutes left till bedtime!
IceQueen out.