Wednesday, February 11
Feb. 11 Wednesday
Note to self: You are thin.
Today was kinda' different...it was a little lighter. The pain in my chest subsided a little, but I'd get a couple of painful jolts once in a while. There was something about the sun and the atmosphere that made me woozy and drowsy for some reason. I could hardly open my eyes. The irritating heat was almost unbearable and I couldn't wait till swimming classes.
When it was finally time to swim, I was on the verge of just dropping my bags and diving into the seemingly cold water...but, of course, I had to change into my bathing suit first. Nuts. I hated that part. I hated having to show myself in such a thing in front of so many people. It was too...I dunno...bare, I guess. I'd practically die of humiliation if I have to stand infront of everyone. So I figured, to avoid stares, gawks, and comments, I had to wait for almost everyone to be in the pool already so they would be too distracted with the water and each other to notice me. And so I did. When they were all in, I walked out the shower rooms and walked down the stone edge of the pool to the shaded area. My plan had worked. They were all playing and shouting and swimming around. Good. No need to hurry, no one's going to comment on you this time. Little did I know that it was probably the worst thing I had done. I forgot about the ones who were not going to swim - they were seated on the green benches right in front of me across the pool! There were about five of them, including Les, and they all paused a moment, looking at me...then suddenly started muttering to each other: Oh, my God! Is that Celine?! Guys, tingnan nyo! Si Celine, o!" In a matter of seconds, the whole class turned towards me, paused a moment, then started shouting, gawking, muttering, and pointing at me! They were shouting out things like: "Oh, my God. Shit, si Celine parang model!" and "Grabe, ampayat nya!" and "Sobra...balakang ba nya yun? Wala shang puson...yung hita nga nya parang braso ko lang, e!" and "Exag! Tangkad pa nya...na-iinsecure ako!"
I froze. So many people...staring...all at the same time...! There was a voice in my mind going: "SHIIIIIIIITTT!!!!!" I immediately (almost instinctively) covered myself with my arms and yelled: "NOOO! Don't look at me!! I'm ugly! I'm ugly! I'm FAT!!" With that, I muttered a quick prayer and jumped into the water...which was, by the way, not cold - but sickeningly warm because of the burning hot sun. For the whole PE period, I had to go through a routine pretty much like this: freestyle, then: "Ampayat mo talaga, Celine!", backstroke, then: "Nalulula na 'ko sa katangkaran mo!", diving, then: "Ang haba naman ng katawan, mo!", synchronized swimming, then: "Tayo ka nga, Celine...Grabe, hanggang dyan mo lang yung tubig?! Hanggang dito lang nya, o!".
Crap. I knew they were giving me praises, but I couldn't seem to agree with them. I almost never gave a damn about myself or how I looked (that was my brother's job). And due to childhood trauma, I always thought that I was...well,...not at all attractive. Thus the stooping, hunching, pokerface, and the hiding-behind-my-long-hair thing. They'd say that my hair was so black and shiny, and I'd say that I just slap on some shampoo, shuffle my hair a bit, and wash it off. They'd say that I was so tall, and I'd say that it's just in the genes. They'd say I was so thin, and I'd say that...well,...I wasn't.
But then, as I was hurrying past the mirror in the teacher's locker area, I saw that...well,...I really WAS kinda', sorta', maybe a little thin. A little TOO thin. What was with thinness, anyway? What was with being tall? What does being tall and thin got to do with being beautiful? Why are people so obsessed with worthless adornments, and physical perfection? Stupid humans. They are too engrossed with the such little insignificant things that won't even last. Can't their proportionately large brains comprehend the fact that beauty is on the inside, not on the outside?
Anyway, as I was staring at myself in the mirror, I saw that I WAS thin - and it made me look kinda' neat. Well, that's one step closer to my self-acceptance and appreciation. I just hope that others, whoever they are, and whatever they look like, will also realize that we were all made different and unique. No need to look 'beautiful' by dieting, bleaching, tanning, etc. Because in our own diffenet and unique ways, we already are. All we have to do is accept and appreciate ourselves! Yaaaay!
P.S. Just for the record, I'd like to state a couple of unexplained things that happened to me today: 1) For some reason, I had a slight fever 2) At around dismissal time, my hands and fingers were tingling and shaking all over (like they were being crushed, or something) 3) In the swimming pool, I uttered a chant calling out for the 'one who brings the rain' to come and rain on me (rain always made me feel secure, safe, and blurred from other people's view)...and after a few minutes until late at night, there was a really cool overcast.
I gotta post this already, coz it's time to watch The Simpsons and Invader Zim! I luv those shoooooowwwwws!
IceQuen out.