Saturday, November 13
Nov. 13 Sat.
"The Lord is my Shepherd,
I shall not want.." -Psalms
...
I sat there, typing away, the dry clicks of the keys merging into each other like some deranged chorus of birds chirping in the dead of the night.
Faith is such a hard thing to have..
But a lot harder to find, once youve lost it.
...
Talking about faith and God and the complications and mysteries and flaws of it all to someone who was a lot older and wiser than I was..well..
It was quite humbling.
I had shown such feeble attempts.
But I tried. I hit a lot of dead ends, but still I tried.
I wanted her..no, not only her..THEM to find their faith again..so badly.
But why?
...
As I pray every night and day of my life:
"..let them be happy, Lord..and help them find their faith again..because they deserve to be happy and in Your grace.."
I cant explain it.
I believed in something, and I wasnt going to allow them to get lost if I could help it.
I guess I did get to convince them a bit..
But as I typed away..
It ended up with ME needing much convincing.
...
...
I hated it.
The situation I was in..
Fate’s snickers merging with the devil’s innocent whispers.
It was scarier than hell, really. I was downright terrified.
Why?
Because..they were RIGHT.
It was the TRUTH.
Wanna hear?
...
"Aww, give it up, Cel..they dont give so much as a damn for what you gotta say..no, really. They listen to each other, but..well, not to you. You're just a kid.."
"Give it up, will ya? They're happy now..they dont need God..and they especially dont need a trying hard feeling girl like you to drag them into another whirlpool of mystery and melancholic reflection.."
But the worst..
"Actually..didnt you notice, Cel? They all lost their faith..but lo. Not soon after, they were all vindicated! They suddenly found their happily ever afters..and they dont need to believe in shit no more, coz they've got all they ever wanted.."
"..why dont you go do the same?"
"Yeah..i mean, its no big deal..just dont pray for a couple of weeks..dont go to mass..use your analysis to prove theres no God..then poof! Soon after, youll be just like them..happy."
"..cmon..dont you think you deserve it? Cel, be reasonable! Its the logical thing to do.."
...
I grit my teeth and tried to shake the thoughts away at first..
But then..I blinked.
It finally happened.
The doubt.
The false hope.
The plan.
...
It was so easy..they all made it so easy fore me, so tantalizingly simple..
It was almost insulting, but I hardly cared.
This was a possible easy way out..
I didnt deny that I wanted it so badly..
Oh damn..
I could taste it, yknow?
Taste it.
Just close your eyes..
And you'll drift onto a path to your happiness..
Yes..
Ah yes..
Mine.
I would make it mine and mine alone.
...
...
I threw my head back as I let their temptations ravage my fragile soul and tired heart..
I liked it.
The tidal wave of want and longing.
I dont deny it..
For the sake of my happiness..
I WANTED to falter.
...
...
"Celine.."
I gulped at that soft all too familiar voice. But I didnt answer.
"What are you doing to me..?"
I squeezed my eyes shut, blinded myself to that gloriously pitiful sight..blinded myself with bright and vivid images of my instant gratification..my happy ending..
Silence.
The finality of it all broke both our hearts.
This is it, I thought, as my eyes opaqued with the void and death that I chose to drown in..no turning back..
"Celine..you do know I love you more than they love each other..more than anyone ever will.."
...
I blinked.
The voices were all drowned by this soft whisper.
..so was I.
Deep inside, I knew it was true.
I was just too blind and materialistic and awfully immature to acknowledge it..
I'll never lose my faith.
They can take it all, but not my faith.
Its my way of saying..
"Hey Jesus..I love you too.."
...