Thursday, November 11
Nov. 11 Thurs.
"Ay..alam mo, kung lalake lang ako..
Inakyatan na kita ng ligaw gradeschool pa." -Me
...
Kate turned to me, her lips curling into a seductive smile as she traced her arm around Aleli's waist with such excruciating slowness, raising an eyebrow through strands of hair that escaped the comb, whispering so many tantalizing whispers of want and lust in the ringing silence..
With a grin, Aleli tilted her head in my direction, her ethereal pale rose cheek grazing Kate's ear, as she slung an arm around her shoulers..
Teasing.
They were just teasing me, in a seductively hilarious joke..
But when Aleli smugly raised her eyebrow..without thinking, I ran a hand through my hair and with a deep growl:
"Pare, concubine ko yan ah..get yur hands off my chick, tol!"
...
Our eyes widened at the androgyny of it all, the borderline, but most especially the shockening authenticity of my reaction..
"Oh my God, Cel..lalake ka ba?!"
I stuttered like a dork, blinking away the green flame that threatened to burn through my eyelids, and the bubbling urge of possession pushing from every bone in my body..
They doubled over laughing, but I stood still, as Aleli lifted a hand to her forehead forming a letter L with her thumb and index finger.
"Loser?"
"Hindi..LESBIANA!"
More laughter.
Unconciously, I cocked my head and said:
"Hindi, pare..LALAKE AKO!"
...
We froze..Kate still bent over in laughter, Aleli’s hand slowly cupping her mouth in shock.
"Oh..my..God.." they whimpered, more stunned than amused.
I tucked my hair behind my ear and scampered outta there before I completely transformed into a guy.
...
...
I combed my long locks, relishing the praises of my friends at how long and shiny and straight my hair was..
The only reason I ever even grew my hair this long was for my father..he so wanted to have a daughter..not an androgynous kid..
Daddy's little girl.
A girl.
For me, it wasnt always fun to be a girl..i had to grope around in the dark just to know how to act, how to think..
I closed my eyes, detesting the depraved creature I had unconsciously created, as it stared at me through that thin shard of glass.
...
I was tall.
I was thin.
I was gangly.
I was dark-skinned.
I was respectful.
I was sensitive.
I was thoughtful.
I was sweet.
I was appreciative.
I was quite fun to be with.
I was an all-around person.
I knew how to carry a good conversation.
I could be a much better boyfriend for my friends than most other y-chromosome jerks out there..
I was only a haircut away, damnit.
...
Oh God, I thought, as I glanced at her beside me.
What I would give to be a guy.
Maybe..if I was something else..
Something other than what I am..
I would have a better life.
But even if I didnt get a better life..
I would make my friends think better of themselves.
Not like those jerkoff bastards they get crushes on who dont friggin appreciate them for their true beauty.
I could have done a lot of things if I was a guy..
A lot of good things..a lot of great things..to others and myself..
...
But why?
Why did God let me be a girl?
Why in this lifetime?
Why now, when I could have gotten a better chance of being happier as a guy?
...
...
There's this theory that before we are born, our past selves in the previous life make a request to God and give suggestions on what kind of life they will live in the next..
If this is supposed to be for the best..
*sigh*
*closes eyes*
I can trust God.
But dare I trust myself? Even if it was in a past life?
...