Friday, November 26
Nov. 26 Fri.
"Sanayan lang yan." -Angela
...
We had a mass, and I didnt wear the gala uniform that fit me oh so 'perfectly' like a true bride of Christ due to the fact that my 700php collar got lost..
I didnt get to receive communion either..
But that was ayt, there's still a next school mass, after all.
...
I got to hang out with my barkada and actually hear them laugh at my antics..got to laugh and smile and actually relate to what they were saying.
They even said "Naaaliw akong kasama ka, Celine." and "Ang saya mong kasama, Celine.." and "Nagbago ka nga Celine.."
..made me smile to know that they love me more after my dive..but made me a little sad at the thought that before this transformation, they never noticed just how much I loved them..
But that was ayt, there's still a next schoolyear, after all.
...
I got to see the cute toddler costumes my classmates were gonna wear at Kate and Jackie's "Kiddie Sweet Sixteen" birthday party tonight..
Laughed my heart out at the pink and frillyness and cuteness of it all, and the thought of how ridiculously adorable they would look when they wore it under the starry sky and soft garden lights, as they frolicked around the clubhouse playing kids' games..
..they all frowned and made these sad faces when they heard that I, Celine Estrada, empie extaordinaire was not gonna make it to my concubine's party due to the fact that my father thought that it be better to stay at home and rest my over-fatigued body and reserve it for tomorrow's Boy Girl Interaction..
But that was ayt, there's still a next birthday party, after all.
...
Les and Beija told me about the Lasalle Dance that was to be held tonight, and asked me if I was gonna come..
..I just scrunched up my face after a long pause of disbelief, and cutely retorted the sad fact that one - I wasnt informed earlier, so there was no way in hell my father would allow me to go at such short notice, and my brother most likely roll over and die first before he let me go to another school's fair without his fashion consent; and two - my dad didnt allow me to attend the kiddie party coz I was "just too weak and frail", so how much more to a rowdy all-boys' school dance, right?
But that was ayt, as my darling dearest seester said: "There's always a next year's Lasalle Dance.."
...
As the fact finally sank into my system, I garbled the extremely funny 'chika-galore' to my friends between giggles, guffaws, and crunching sounds of snacks and food..
"Uh guys..he told me that he's GAY."
..they stared at me with wide unblinking eyes and slightly parted lips, as I laughed my heart out and daintily covered my wide open mouth with a trembling, Kornbits-filled hand..I swatted my other hand at them, giggling at their expressions, reassuring them that I actually found it quite amusing that he was gay, and the fact that it was a good thing I didnt get my hopes THAT high up - since I of course was the one who theorized the fundamental fact that:
"If you spot a perfect guy..he's either taken, gay, your relative, or dying."
But that was just ayt, there’s always other perfect un-taken, un-gay, un-relative, un-dying guys, after all.
...
I lay there on the floor of my bedroom, my throat and tongue burning and stinging with that awfully addicting bitter taste, as I pondered the waste of my life..how everything just wont go my way, how so many small irritating things happen to me at a daily basis, how unspeakably horrific I feel knowing the fact that nobody will ever understand unless they actually LIVED this life of mine - which was of course impossible..
..my body twitched and jerked ever so slightly as I fed myself the poison of Instant Gratification and the rotting condemnations of Fate himself..
But that was ayt, there's still a next lifetime, after all.
...
...
"It just isnt fair," I muttered under my breath, the basketball still pressed between my still hands, as the devastating facts and inhumanly barbaric thoughts of this life’s so-called ‘challenges’ flooded my mind, causing me to stare into outer space..
"Sanayan lang yan," she shouted, referring to the irritating antics of my busmate, for she was latched onto her arm, asking her if she was already 'nakukulitan'.
I blinked, as the answer popped right out of nowhere.
Yeah. Sanayan lang.
...
I exhaled deeply, letting the heavy rotting feeling in my chest get snatched away by the crisp winds, as I casually pushed the glitter-stained basketball up and across the half-court..
The setting sun peeked through the spindly fingers of the leafless trees, blinding me with its brilliance, making me shut my watery eyes and smile a smile as warm as the dying sunlight..
I missed..
But it didnt matter.
I was SMILING.
...