Monday, November 8
Nov. 8 Mon.
"I knew you couldnt do it..
Even if you had NOTHING TO LOSE!" -The Incredibles
...
I couldnt do it.
Wouldnt.
It felt good not to care..
Not to give a damn..
To glide past them, with nothing more than a shrug and a:
"Bahala ka.."
...
I loved the feeling.
I loved seeing them knit their brows in wonder..
Shock, even.
Yes, the shock.
And the hurt..
Hurt?
Nah.
They couldnt believe it.
Their fallback finally had it.
Their martyr passed by the other side of the road.
No, they didnt hurt.
Hindi lang sila sanay.
...
...
It should have moved me.
Yes..it should have softened my heart.
This sight..
The fact that they finally saw me..
Finally showed they cared..
Finally wanted me.
Finally even take a glance and realize that I was here all along, all this time, all these years..caring, constantly incessantly patiently caring..
But no.
It hardened my heart.
Sent my blood pounding in my ears, my fingernails digging into my palm, my breath seething through gritted teeth in a soft growl..
Why?
Hn.
They only saw me when I was gone.
...
...
But still.
I couldnt do it.
Couldnt. Wouldnt.
I couldnt stop..caring.
They all say its unhealthy to care so much.
I dont care.
I know, it irritates them sometimes..
My constant nagging..
"Ingat ka.."
"Oy, wag sosobra ha?"
"Take your medicine, get some sleep.."
"Layuan mo sha!"
"Your friends look dodgy.."
"Dont eat that, its dirty!"
"Mag-aral ka na.."
"Itago mo na yan..bawal yan.."
Yeah.
Damn irritated they were.
I knew they were.
Because me caring too much is precisely the reason why two of my barkadas ditched me, and two of my former best friends denied they even knew me.
Yeah, thats right.
It was painful right there..
To be hated for loving too much..
But..hey. its me, right?
Its bound to hurt more.
How?
They never told me.
Never.
They kept it in or among themselves, and never told me.
They just left me with nothing.
Nothing..
Just this wrenching rotting pain of not knowing what the hell is wrong with how you loved them.
...
...
But how could I tell them?
How in hell?
That..the only reason why I act like that..like a nagging mom..
Is..is coz..
That was the only way I knew how to show them just how much I love them.
I was never loved like that when I was younger.
Even if I was, it was always drizzled with a generous helping of insults.
I just..
Wanted to spare them the childhood I went through.
...
...
Im not sorry.
Im not sorry I care for them to the point of constant nagging.
Im not sorry either for finally lashing out and not caring for a day.
Im not sorry for them either..
They have friends and family to love them no matter what.
Im sorry for..
Myself.
Pathetic.
Always was, always will be.
Victim to the endlessly teasing blindfold games of Irony.
When I care, I care too much.
..become invisible and almost insignificant like a massive wall they lean on when in need..but always pass by everyday..soon, not even noticing or caring that its always been there and still is.
But when I decide not to care, they call me cruel.
..seen and missed only when im gone.
...
...
Irony is Fate's double edged sword.