Saturday, October 9
Oct. 9 Sat.
"Everytime I fall down..
All alone..
I fall to pieces.." -Fall to Pieces
...
A few words..a few suppressed winces..
"Bakit ka naapektohan sa sinabi ng girl sa play?"
"Eh kasi..parang sinabi ko na yun dati..actually, sinigaw..iniyak..haha.."
...
"Kailan? Saan?"
"Hm..dati pa. Sa Bohol Mansions pa sha nakatira..yun."
...
I continued talking. No reaction. He was just staring into space, trying to chew his food.
I playfully prodded him on the arm.
"Okay ka lang..?"
Then I saw it.
...
"Hindi.."
My eyes widened. His voice was cracking. Tears were welling up in his eyes. He fought hard to stop himself from breaking down..
"B-bakit..?"
"N-nalulungkot..a-ako.."
He lost.
...
A strange and powerful sensation swept through me..overwhelmed me completely. It was numb..and felt like every ounce of my body was frying, boiling in hot oil. Suddenly, I was tired. More tired than I had ever felt before. My body felt like lead, and my eyelids were too heavy for me to keep open. Even my vision was softly blurring at the edges, my hearing starting to dwindle.
It was as if..i was drifting off to a dream..
But then..
Rage.
Rage and hatred overwhelmed me.
I locked my jaw.
"Sino..sino ang nagpalungkot sayo?" I asked, my voice a soft growl.
He covered his eyes, and poked at the slice of fish on his plate.
"Hindi..nalulungkot ako..para..para sayo.."
My eyes widened. Another shockwave of numbness swept over me.
I got up and wrapped my frail arms around him. I felt him shudder at my touch, sobbing in my embrace.
"H-hindi dapat..nangyari to..sa yo..hindi d-dapat.."
...
All these years, he tried to stay strong..for me..for us..
But he was just human.
I wanted to cry too..i agreed..this shouldnt have happened to me..
But this shouldnt have happened to HIM either.
I steadied my wavering soul. I had to stay strong. This time..I had to be the strong one.
"Wag ka nang maawa sakin." I muttered, my voice empty and hollow, piercing the morning air.
...
For an eternity, we stayed that way.
I wanted to embrace him for all I was worth..tight enough that I could absorb even just a fraction of the pain he was enduring..
Even if that fraction would kill me.
I wanted to butcher the world.
No. Just two people..
Lock and load a magnum and blow the heads off of that bitch and that rich old bastard like raspberry jam.
I would set their cadavers ablaze with my lighter, and kick the ashes down a canal together with their dollar bills, gold bangles, diamond rings, pearl necklaces, and Louis Vuitton Bags.
God wouldnt hold it against me.
In fact..He would most probably be at my side, His hand on my shoulder, as we watch their souls eternally writhe in pain and burn in the lowest circle of hell.
...
But then..
As he wiped his tears away and got up..
Washed his hands and told me to finish my breakfast..
Pulled on his ingenious mask and went upstairs..
Like nothing happened..
I realized..
He was sad..
Because of ME.
Because of what happened to ME.
Me.
I sat there, staring blindly ahead, still in shock, my hands itching to grab a gun and blow my own head off.
...
...
I slumped against the concrete slope, resting my aching legs. The warmth of the sun-baked stone soothed my writhing soul..
The lyrics and melodies of the dangerous almost sadistic songs played earlier were still rampaging around in my head..threatening to dig up old wounds..open old scars..
Hn.
I folded my arms across my red halter-clad chest, closed my eyes, and head banged to the beat of the song playing in the Multi Purpose building, muttering the lyrics under my breath.
"O..Diyos ko..
Ano ba naman ito?"
I was cursing the heavens. Ha. Same words that my soul screamed..
"Di ba?
TANG INA!
Nagmukha akong tanga.."
I let the memories slice through my soul..the child..like rusty jagged saws.
"Pina-asa mo pa ako!
LECHENG PAG-IBIG TO-O-OOO!
DYOS KO-O!
HANO BA NAMAAAANNN..
ITO-O-OOO!!!"
I let my own words sink into my being..slowly..excruciatingly.. surely.
Yes. The truth does hurt.
...
I could hear their voices drifting through my mind like gentle fingers caressing my fragile heart.
"Wait..diba..diba sha yung girl kanina..yung mukhang model?"
I felt my smile soften.
"Ang saya saya nya kanina..pero bakit ngayon, mag-isa lang sha..?
At mukhang binagsakan ng langit?"
...
If my feet werent practically pounding with pain from wearing two-inch high boots all day, I would have ran down the asphalt road as fast as I could towards God knows where..anywhere..anywhere but here..
But I didnt.
I stayed there..using every ounce of my willpower and sanity to fight back the tears..
And just stared at the sun, as it died over the horizon.
...
...
I sat silently in a corner, slumped on the couch, just looking at them. I smiled. They were happy..
But I saw her.
She crept out of my limp arms, dragging the heavy iron links that weighed down her frail wrists.
I watched as she hobbled ever so slightly towards them..reached out with her tarnished hands and fingers..waved them before their eyes..
"Atashi mite..atashi..mite.." she whispered, trying so hard to catch their eyes..
But they took no notice.
She fell on her knees. Tired. She was too tired to even stand..to even breathe properly..keep her head up..keep her eyes open..but still she tried.
She pulled her mask off, and set it on the floor with a clatter. It broke my heart to see her..as she gently tugged at their hair..pulled their shirts..place her hands on their cheeks..begging them..begging..
"Atashi mite..mite..atashi..mite.."
...
but to no avail.
They had gently closed their eyes..
As they got lost in their own heavens.
There was..
Nothing.
Nothing I could do.
No point, really.
...
Before the bitter winds snatched the singed and tattered pieces of her body, I wrenched myself from the couch, picked her up in my arms, and opened the deadbolts on the front door.
"Bye..ingat kayo.."
They left.
I watched them drive away.
The child was screaming to tell them everything..
But I stopped her.
I held on to her chains as we both watched them drive off into the starless night.
...
"Wh-why..?" she asked me..her soft broken voice echoing in the stillness of the night.
I didnt have the heart to tell her. Never did. Never will.
I kept my mouth shut as the sky began to silently weep for her.
I took her by the hand, and led her inside. The dry clicks of the locks were like gunshots to my ears.
I leaned against the wooden door..sank to the cold concrete floor..
Curled up..and cried.
...