Thursday, April 7
Apr. 7 Thurs.
“I love him..and I am not ashamed..
I only have a corner bench to be with him every night..
But that corner is mine..
Its my life..” –Les Miserables
...
Yeah, I heard.
I heard the sickening wet sound of Fate’s tongue licking the side of my face.
I twitched, but refused to cringe. Not again. Not ever.
...
I looked him in the eye and said: “Oo, mahal ko siya.”
Its true.
Your secrets shall be heard from the rooftops. He said so himself, so many years ago.
Well, let it be heard. I am not ashamed. I’ll fight for the one I love with all I’m worth.
And I did..
And the cruel winds fought back.
...
He was shouting..
I was almost trembling to my very core. I felt my skin sizzle, as the child in me scratched frantically around the rough inner walls of Sadako’s fathomless well.
Desperate for salvation..anything..anything..
Nothing.
Only more despair.
...
I stared at the space beside him.
I couldn’t bear to look at his face, his eyes, his mouth..as his endless words flowed out like a mesh of sticky webs, fusing into a single thick cord that wound around my neck and broke my ribs.
I was trapped. Once again the the all-too-familiar rut that I seem to always fall into every single time I finally get to close my fingers around something I truly want..
Too familiar..
The cycle of my curse.
But I stood up and chose to break it with my own hands.
...
...
I was too young..to love? Is that it?
It’s not love because we’ve never laid eyes on each other?
I’ts just infatuation even if I loved him for a year and a half?
It’ll destroy my future? Me, being in love?
He’s just fooling around, all because I don’t see his face when he says he loves me?
Will everybody just SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LISTEN TO ME? FOR ONCE??
...
Yeah. Listen to me.
You’re not listening to me.
You never do. Never did. All of you.
Haha. My own flesh and blood have an immunity to my voice.
You know why I never talked when I was younger?
Because I never saw the point. Why talk when nobody listens? Nobody tries to truly listen..
They drawl and chatter, without even really saying anything..and expect me to listen to that empty mass of words? No thank you. I’d rather talk to the plants. And the moon. And the ocean. And the wind..
What I hate more is when I finally muster just enough courage and voice projection to say: “Listen to me!”, you stop talking, say an exasperated “fine, then! talk!”..but I hardly finished my sentence, when you cut in and flood the air with your own mindless chatter..again.
You heard me, yes. But you didn’t take time to truly listen.
This is why I never talked. Napanis laway ko, pero wala akong paki-elam. Walang kwenta magsalita kung di ka naman susubukang intindihin o bigyang importansiya.
I’d rather let my saliva rot in my mouth rather than waste it on pointless hopeless talk to deaf ears and narrow minds.
But you know what I hate the most?
Is when I sit in a corner – silent, exhausted, and broken – and the lot of you look around, see me hiding, grab my arm, shake me, and demand why I’m so silent.
So damn funny..ain’t it?
...
...
I love him..
I know it’s quite stupid to do so..to feel the way I do now..
If it was anybody else, they would have given up the moment he said those first five words that would smash any princess’ dream.
But I didn’t give up. I tried my damn best to keep loving and caring for him, despite the lies, the controversies, the endless rumors, the complications, and the masks.
I have so much at risk here..and so little at the same time.
But I’m taking that chance. I took it..and I stay true to my word..
No matter what happens..
I only wanted him to be happy. I know he’s done a lot of bad things in the past – worse than most people have done..but I also know that there is good in him..and that good is precious to me..to God, even..
It breaks my heart to have even just the slightest idea of his past hurts and pains..especially at the fact that we have almost the exact same scars..
I choose to see the good in him. And that’s what keeps me here..
He even called me delirious..and I agree! Maybe I am..but I believe..for once, I surrendered my everything to that small flicker of hope and faith..
Yes, maybe in time, some things will happen that will cause us to clash or drift..but I hold on the the hope that if it is true love, then we’d overcome anything and everything..
Even Time.
...
I’m willing to wait.
If it has to be till my graduation, then so be it. The wait is nice too..
So long as I still have him in my heart. And he has me in his.
But even if it doesn’t work out, even if we’re not each other’s soumates..i’d still love him. And still pray and hope for the best for him.
He deserves it, you know. To be happy..saved..loved..
Call me stupid. I am. But by God, I believe in this. And I’m gonna fight for it. For us.
...
Am I going over reacting?
Maybe.
But cant I keep this? Just this? Cant I keep it all to myself..? please?
Please don’t wrench my hand open all over again, and brush my treasures away..
Please..
...
He shouted at me to use my head.
“Mas matalino ka pa nga kaysa kay daddy eh! Hindi ka ganito, Celine! Kilala kita! Matalino ka! Use your head! Fuck, wag mo sayangin sa kanya!”
Maybe I am smart. Smarter than the average 16-year old. Maybe even smarter than my own dad.
But I have to disagree with you when you said you knew me.
Because don’t you know..?
That for once..for ONCE!
I wanted to use my heart..and not my head.
...
...
We ended in tears.
And with an agreement. Based on “love is patient”.
It could have been worse.
He could have told on dad.
I thanked God he didn’t.
Kuyas may be harsh, but they only look out for you.
Now I have everyone in the household watching me closely, in case I do “anything stupid”..
Ha. Yeah right.
Y’know..you guys don’t have to worry.
I wont do anything “stupid”.
Why?
Coz how in the world will I get to finally be allowed to go out with him if I’m dead?
That’s right.
I’m hanging on for us.
...
...
Go ahead, Fate.
Lick my face, kiss me, ravage me all you want.
I don’t love you.
I love my friends.
I love my plushie.
And I can’t wait to show you. All of you.
“I’m so damn psyched to prove them wrong!”
haha..say it like it is, plushie.
God please..hug us on this one..
*smiles*
...
...
a note to my family:
I’ve been screaming in anguish for 8 years.
But now that I’ve been silenced by a kiss –
That’s when you put your fingers in your ears and tell me to shut the hell up.