Saturday, April 23
Apr. 23 Sat.
“Maybe I’m a little addicted,
Maybe I just can’t get out of this..
Maybe it’s just too soon to say.
...
I’ve seen you blow right past my window-
You flew away and I was left inside
Without a clue..
But if you think I’m too stoned to write,
Don’t think twice
Free your mind
Don’t let me down –
We’ll find a way to make it go away..
...
I went ahead without direction –
A form of semi-self-mutilation..
Dragonfly collides with truth;
Why can’t you see me like I see you?
Can’t you feel me like I feel you?
Can’t you be with me tonight?” –Dragonfly
...
It’s true.
I’ve never been so damn happy in all my life..
So what the hell is wrong?
...
There’s this little voice in the back of my mind that’s ruining everything.
The damn devil’s advocate.
Its that little scream you hear when you go ”all in” at poker..that little trembling crick in your wrist when you push away all those colorful chips..
Dammit..i wish I didn’t think so much..i wish I was just a happy-go-lucky person who doesn’t have to analyze every single fuckin thing that involves the risks in this thing called love..
Blind trust..
Infinite patience..
Faith without question..
Fearless courage..
Unconditional love.
Why can’t I just have those things? Why do I have to have doubts and fears and misgivings and impatience? Ah, damn me.. but then again.. Isn’t it supposed to be like that? For normal people..i would be utterly stupid.
...
...
“Kilala ko siya. Hindi yan magpapakita. Kaya wag ka na umasa.”
That one was nothing less than an arrow to the ribs. My world was crashing and I felt like falling off the terrace railings. I’d rather die than get fucked over again..i had too much of that already.. just too much..
But I realized that I didn’t really hope for myself..
I hoped for him.
The “showing up” wasn’t really for me..it was for him too. If I was left high and dry, it would only mean that he’s still hiding and stuck in that rut that deprives him of the happiness he deserves.
It takes time, though. I got time. We all got time. Who’s in a hurry? Not me. I’m willing to wait. Wait can be good.. But when I see that I’m just not the one for you, I’ll stop plaguing you and help you find that person who is.
I’m just taking this chance that I AM the one.
What a risk..what a price..
But I choose to take it. Choose to pay it.
Mahal ko, eh.
...
I guess I’ve been playing Kathryn for too long..
Ayoko na.
It’s all been a joke, twisted and cruel and sickening. I decided I’d rather die broken-hearted than empty.
I took the biggest risk, and bared my soul.
I dreaded the cab that would most probably run me over..but if it had to come to that in order to prove my love, then I’ll stand fast.
Nothing would make me happier than pointing down to that certain person beside my limp body in the ambulance and say:
“Father God! Father God! Minahal ko yun, o! Buong puso’t kaluluwa po! Masakit at mahirap po, kasi napaka-complicated..pero masaya ako kasi minahal ko pa rin.. Gusto ko rin po siya makita’ng masaya.. Sana po mahanap na niya ang tunay na para sa kanya, at ipaglaban siya.. Para makuha na niya ang kanyang happily ever after!”
No wait..
One thing WOULD make me happier..
...
“Father God, bakit Mo ako pinapa-balik?! Dito na ako, diba? Gusto ko mag-watch over sa mga mahal ko..”
“Nagmamaka-awa kasi yung mahal mo eh..ibalik daw kita..”
“Huh? Bakit daw??”
“Eh ikaw na daw kasi yung happily ever after niya.”
*smiles gently*
Wishful thinking?
Maybe.
But I guess.. that when you’re loving truly, honestly, and unconditionally, there’s really nothing to be afraid of.