Friday, April 15
Apr. 15 Fri.
“Two words. ONLINE and RELATIONSHIP. Tapos.” –twinstar
...
I was hoping this would be a night of escape..
Turned out to be a night of drowning.
Why am I always an issue when it comes to bull sessions?
Why am I always different?
“Celine..why him?”
As I sat there, their ever so simple question ringing in my alcohol-slurred mind, I stared at Maika and papa Joe cuddling and whacking each other in the corner listening to their underground songs on an iPod..
And I wondered..
Bakit hindi ako katulad na lang nila?
...
I admit. Ang bano ko.
Isang weng-weng at bote ng redhorse?
Putang gala...
Weak, dammit. But it did the job.
Why is it so damn easier to spill your guts out when you’re drunk and can hardly hear your own slurred voice?
Why is it harder to cry?
Or maybe I just didn’t notice the tears silently trickling down my cheeks as I stared blankly into Orion’s belt, and muttering my litany of “I want”s...
Why..do I always end my litany with that last, tiny, off-tangent request of mine..
“But what I really want?
I want him to..be happy..whoever he really is..
Yeah..have a happy life..
For him to find that special someone who’ll make him happy and cast off his mask once and for all..
For him to fight for the one he loves, and spend the rest of his life with that person..
I want him to never give up on himself, on life, love, on God, and on others..
I want him to be the best that he can be.. make a good difference in this world..
Dammit..i want to be there when he holds her hand on his wedding day..yeah..”
I was pathetic. Such a dreamer. Being drunk was a lame excuse.
I think I did get to laugh at some point..
It was when they all fell silent, let me make my ‘mistake’, twinstar leaning over and kissing the corner of my mouth with a faint:
“Twinstar..you have got to be the most selfless little lover I have ever met.”
...
...
There were some points during that night..that will leave permanent marks on my memory for the rest of my life, I think.
Dressing up to my heart’s extent, only to have kuya force me to wear a thick, heavy, brown crocheted poncho saying I look good and romantic in it..
..then facing the mirror, disgusted by the look and feel of it, and disgusted even further with kuya’s remark that it used to be my mom’s, and it’s supposed to look good on me coz it looked good on her too..
Actually getting my hopes up and being giddy all day – even smiling and fixing myself up in a blue outfit and borrowed nica’s blue earrings that weighed a ton..
..then losing it all to a bachelor’s party, and another insufferable IOU from that jerk named Next Time and his faithful sidekick I Promise..
Wrapping my arm around the wobbling form of a much more drunk Anne, pointing out cute guys and telling her that any one of those could be her prince charming, and hearing our slurred laughter drown in the buzz of the crowd..
..Then me turning my head and seeing those cute guys’ girlfriends wrap their arms around them and the guys kiss their foreheads..
Singing that song for all I was worth, jumping up and down and waving my hands like a true boyband singer, screaming into the microphone with Anne right beside me doing the exact same thing..
..then losing my voice to a much louder chorus of broken-hearted, suicidal, sado-masochistic people, proving that I sure as hell ain’t the worst case scenario in the world when it came to love..
...
The nagging feeling that this is a test.
Or that I have to go through one..
And the gnawing feeling that if this was just a test, it would have proved of how little I really mean to someone.
Remember, Child..love is patient..
Period.
...