Sunday, May 30
May 30 Sun.
"Mabait ka nga kasi, eh." -Beija
Pentecost Sunday.
We attended mass today, and something the priest said struck me. He said that all of us have healing powers...just at different degrees. I grinned at the memory.
Back in gradeschool, I was the 'mother'. People came to me when they were hurt in any way - physically, emotionally, spiritually - you name it. Nobody could explain exactly why they always felt better after they held my hand, or hugged me, or have me massage them or touch their wounds. They felt lighter, happier, and the pain seemed to lessen.
I couldn't explain it either. But of course, being the analytical person that I was, I tried. Well, I came up with the conclusion that their pains seemed to transfer to me. *Hmm...which would explain why I always felt dizzy afterwards.* I could heal people. Through physical contact. The moment I realized it, I was a little stunned. Heck, even my dad believed. He told me it wasn't such a good 'gift' for a girl my age.
...
Ah, but I used it anyway.
My friend gets a splitting migraine, I trace my fingertips on her temples for 3 minutes, and the pain disappears.
My friend attends a school mass with a fever, feels faint and dizzy, I hold her hand for a couple of minutes, and she gets better. Gets freaked out at what I just did, too.
My friend was ditched by her 'best friends' and badmouths her behind her back, I ask her to hug me, I hold her close for 5 minutes, she pulls away - dazed - saying she feels so much better for some reason.
I trace my finger along the arm of my seatmate, I sense 'something', I tell her that she's happy, but has just one tiny very irritating problem. She gapes at me and asks how the hell did I know that.
I sit laughing with my friends at the cafeteria table, my side explodes with pain, I turn to my left and see my friend staring straight at me. I shout "I feel you!", she gapes slightly, and I learn later that she just had a fight with some of her friends.
My friend is laughing her head off - as usual. As a joke, I ask her to hold my hand, I sense 'something', I tell her: "You have a lot...of problems...you've kept for so long... It's building up inside, and you hide them, because you think nobody cares... I care, tell me." She denies. I press on, never letting go of her hand. Her laughs break down, she looks away, I pull her into a hug, and she cries into my blouse, saying after so many years, I was the only one who ever noticed she was hurting.
...
And even if I felt real weak, dizzy, and faint afterwards, I didn't care. I always wanted to help people. Yeah, I know, I know. The eternal Icequeen, the great Marquise de Sadde wants to help others...what is the world coming to? Well, I did. And I was happy to help. I felt like I was contrubuting to the well-being of God's creation. My codename:
Elixir.
...
But recently... I can't find myself to 'heal' people anymore. That's because I think that I'm a bad person. That I do nothing but hurt people, and cause them pain, trouble, misery, and depression. Heck, I AM all those things.
Even Kaiser hates me. *sob*
I've become a demon.
...
After mass, we went to my lola's house (we do every Sunday). We learned that my aunt was going to be either a legal mother or guardian of a 4-month old baby girl. Kuya went straight to the baby, and played with her. How? By his usual Kuya Anton manner: Scrunching up his face and sticking out his tongue. The baby enjoyed it.
When kuya left and slumped on the couch to watch TV, I reluctantly inched closer to the tiny...creature. I stood over her crib and just looked at her - as she wriggled, slightly flailing around her small arms. When her gaze fell on me, I took a step back.
I didn't want such an innocent thing to behold such a ghastly sight as me. She was pure good...and I was evil.
She reached out to me with both arms. The maid who was taking care of her said she liked me. I blinked. *No way.* But I inched closer. I reached into the crib, and she clutched my hand with hers. I sat beside her. She merely looked intently at me, never letting go. Her tiny hands were clutched tightly around my fingers. I opened my mouth and said the first thing that came into my mind:
"Hey there, beautiful."
She smiled. I just blinked. I really don't know why I was so stunned... It's really no big deal to hold a baby. But for me, it is. And the fact that it wasn't afraid of me...it was a VERY big deal.
...
Kuya and I stayed at an internet cafe for an hour or so. When we came back, the baby was asleep. Why? Because she wouldn't stop crying after we left. Woah. When my cousins came over, they were very suprised to hear the news, and had a look-see. Tita Gigi(Regine's mom) in particular, had a very funny reaction to the news.
Chris: "Mommy, may baby dun sa isang kwarto."
Tita Gigi: "Ano?"
Me: "Yes, tita, mag-aadopt ata si tita Susan ng baby." (to Regine) "Diba, Reg?"
Regine: "Uh-huh. I saw her na, she...kinda looks like tita Susan!"
Regine & Me: *laughs*
Tita Gigi: *stares at me, then at Regine*
(awkward silence)
Me: "It's true, tita!"
Tita Gigi: *eyes widen* "HANO? BABY? TAO?!"
(pause)
Regine & Me: *rolls on floor laughing our heads off*
All the attention didn't really do the baby any good. The loud voices of my younger cousins made her cry, and she wouldn't stop. After everybody cleared the room, I went inside. I inched closer like before. I sat beside her and waited for her eyes to open amidst the tears, and look at me. When she did, I couldn't say anything. I just smiled. She stopped crying. I let her hold my hands as before. After a long moment of silence, I beamed and finally found the words to say to her.
"Hey, tahan na...okay, I'll tell you a story. Alam mo ba, kami ng friends ko, pumunta kami ng Enchanted Kingdom kahapon! Sumakay kami ng van! Andun si Ate Lalaine, Ate Sop, Beija, Alex, friend ni Alex, Marga, Les, at Angela! Grabe, ang saya saya namin! Kaya lang, hindi kami nakapasok sa E.K. dahil dun sa SMART exclusive entry thingie... Uy, pero dumeretso nalang kami sa bahay ng friend ko..."
She was just staring at me, giggling and laughing. I blinked. I whispered to her:
"Aren't you afraid of me? I'm a bad person, and you're such an innocent creature of God..."
She smiled, and clutched my hand close to her mouth.
...
I texted Beija about it.
Beija: "Hey, sis...musta na?"
Me: "I'm holding an tiny angel in my arms, and...she's got a good grip of my finger too..."
Beija: *smiles* "Baby?"
Me: "Yeah...but...why isn't she afraid of me...? Aren't babies supposed to sense the evil in others? She's just smiling and giggling... Fear me!"
Beija: "Well...I'm not surprised."
Me: "Baket?"
Beija: "Coz you're a good person, Cel."
Me: "No I'm not! Erk...dyou know she cried when we left? And now I'm telling her a story, and she's...laughing..."
Beija: "...Mabait ka nga kasi, eh."
...
I held an angel in my arms. And she liked me. I couldn't believe it. I felt ashamed to hold such a good thing.
...
...
I looked into the mirror.
*What are you?*
I couldn't believe I started out as something like that baby. Something so innocent, so beautiful, so pure, so kind...an angel.
*What have you become?*
I pressed my hand against my reflection.
*What happened to your wings?*
I touched my shoulders and upper back.
*What happend to your smile?*
I traced my hand over my lips.
*What happened to you?*
...
I leaned forward, until my head touched the cold glass of the mirror.
I turned my head to the right, and my gaze fell on my lola's picture of Jesus posted on the door.
*My Lord and my God...will I ever be an angel?*
My healing powers...my messiah complex... They were all my abilities I wanted to use so much, despite the pain I recieve when I use it. They were all my desires to save people. To become an angel...
...
me: "I'll never be an angel..."
her: "Cel, you ARE an angel..."
me: "..."
her: "You ARE...just...just..."
me: "...Just what?"
her: "Just...*closes eyes*...not mine..."
...