Monday, August 8
Aug. 8 Mon.
“Celine..gusto ko sa Friday..inuman tayo.” –Anne
...
UPCAT drained me for all I was worth.
Biruin mo ba naman, pagkapasok na pagkapasok ko sa Econ auditorium, bigla ba naman ako nagkaron!
Ampoga talaga ang pagiging babaeng irreg!
Fuck damn, my red ticket to excruciating failure.
Apat na oras akong nakaipit na upo sa pagkalamig-lamig na silid [sobrang lamig na yung tunaw kong chocolate tumigas ulit!], namimilipit sa sakit ng katawan, nangangatog at tumitirik na ang mata sa kakabasa..
Halfway through, as I saw the “2 minutes remaining” on the board, with me 10 questions short of the math portion, the figures and numbers and names swirling in my slightly pounding head, I murmured..
AYOKO NA.
Tangnang Chona yan! Muffin eating contest?? Ilan ang kinain nya, kamo? WHO CARES?!?!
...
I didn’t get to answer my physics quiz at all.
I think I failed trig. Again.
Things between me and plushie struck oil last week, and im drained emotionally along with my physical frame.
Quarterly tests coming this week, and I haven’t even compiled the topic proposals for the IP.
Nakalimutan ko pa lagyan ng rating yung movie review ko sa English.
Shit talaga. Hell week? Hell quarter. And its just the beginning!
Somebody shoot me in the head.. I doubt if anyone will miss me..
*sigh*
...
Everybody just loved my love story written composition for English.
They passed it around to almost everybody who could get their hands on it, crumpled it, softened it to a mush, and copied some lines from it. Steph even asked me to make a “madrama story” for her.
I just hope that my love story will have a happy ending..
But I guess we shape our endings now..forever starts here and now.
And I’m doing my damn best..
Damn best.
Buong puso ko na inaalay ko..and yet..Why do I feel like im making love to a wall?
Its not doing anything..and yet its hurting me..
Why cant you hug me? Pull me close? At least acknowledge the things I’ve done to love and keep you?
Don’t you know that when you make those remarks you’re making me feel like im the worst person in the whole fuckin world?
Sinusumbatan mo ko pag sinasabi kong mahal kita..pag sinusubukan kong iparamdam sayo kung gaano kita kamahal, kung anu-ano yung mga pinaggagagawa ko para sayo..
Wag na lang kaya ako magreklamo?
Maging pader na rin kaya ako?
Tahimik, hindi demanding, walang imik, hindi clingy, hindi KJ..
Pero nagmamahal.
Tumpak, diba? Pader na nagmamahal. Isn’t it everything you’ve ever wanted?
Did you know that at some point, I actually considered biting off my own tongue, ripping out my vocal chords, paralyzing myself, or point a mesh of metal against my temple and pull the goddam trigger?
Para lang makasama kita na hindi ka na nasasaktan. Hindi ka na naba-badtrip. Hindi ka na naiistorbo.
Any way, I’ll get to see you fly, ne? Sure, you’ll get stronger..and when you do, you’ll fly. And I’ll be there to see that glorious sight.
Either as a mute, a vegetable, or a ghost.
I know I’m ranting. Everybody knows. Im over-reacting. Everybody knows.
But the one thing I HOPE they know..
..is that mahal pa rin kita. I wont lose faith. I wont stop loving. I still want you to be happy. With..me.
Fuck DAMN. I am SO looking forward to Friday night’s inuman fest.
Colt 45 para mabilis.