Sunday, August 14
Aug. 14 Sun.
“Alright, I’ll talk to him..go along then, so I can eat my humble pie..” –The Great Raid
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*inhale*..
I guess words will always be my best friend, and worst enemy..
Too many can kill you, and a few can save you.
I don’t know what to say anymore..scared to speak. Afraid my words will screw things up..
Like now.
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Heard the gospel, and I cried.
Be humble, they said. Be makulit, but humble.
I never realized..that my insecurity was the root cause of every bad thing that has happened in my life after mom left.
I guess being traded off for a couple of shiny rocks and dirty paper can do that to a person..but I know that’s no excuse at all.
I let people hurt me, betray and treat me like shit..i thought I did it coz I wanted to prove that I loved them..
But I guess sir mitra was right. You cant love others properly if you cant love yourself first..
You made me realize that I wasn’t doing it out of love..i was doing it coz I thought I deserved to get hurt..deserved all the worst things possible..
You don’t..don’t know just how sorry I am..for hurting you the way I did..and I never even noticed it..i thought I was being a martyr..but really, I was being a stupid girl.
I always assumed the worst for myself, never daring to guess – coz I filled every guess with hope, and the thought of my hope shattering was beyond imagination..
I hated myself, cursing the girl I saw in the mirror..blamed myself for the bad things that happened for no reason..
I’ve been doing it for so long, I guess I never noticed it..
But now..i did..
And..i didn’t like it one bit..
I hurt you..so bad..
All coz I didn’t realize that degrading myself also degraded you in a way..
All coz I couldn’t keep that shiny thing from my skin everytime something bad happened.
But..i hope you see..that even though we don’t get along all the time, your love has taught me to love myself too..its not a sudden explosive transition, but its happening..little by little..
The fact that I’m still..well, alive right now, typing this entry.. that’s proof enough that I’ve learned to love myself coz of what you taught me.. my skin’s intact – no fresh wounds at all.. the pills lay untouched, beer and liquor safe in the fridge, and the glass in one piece.
It..wasn’t easy at all..not at all..not one bit..
Not when my stomach was twisting in knots, my face burning, my chest aching for release..i even cried out for my mom for like..the 2nd time in my life..
But I held on.
Didn’t give up hope or faith, ate my humble pie..
I acknowledged my mistake, and instead of punishing myself for it, I decided to ask for another chance to make up for it.
And..you gave it to me..
Maybe you’ll never completely know just how happy that made me..just how strong and inspired it made me..
I was still wobbly and feverish and utterly weak from..well, that. Crying. I admit it. My weakness. It wasn’t 8:00pm at all.
But I was smiling..gently, inside and out.
I’ll do my best from now on – now that I know what to do and what not to do, and how to do it..
I wont be insecure and utterly demanding anymore..i’ll learn to trust completely, take it on faith, and love myself..little by little..
I’m not scared to admit or hope for it anymore..
I do want to be with you, stay with you..i don’t want to hand you off to another person, I want to be the one for you.
I’ll make it so that I’ll be the one meant and deserving of you..grant my own personal wish, and be the one to make you happily in love.
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I guess that’s a helluva lot of words..
It might get twisted or congested or confusing at points..
But I hope you guys get to see the essense of it..
Love isn’t meant to be explained..its meant to be felt. And shared.
Mahal na mahal kita, plushie.