Saturday, July 2
July 2 Sat.
“I looked away
then I looked back at you.
You try to say
The things that you can’t undo..
If I had my way,
I’d never get over you.
Today’s the day
I pray that we’ll make it through..
Make it through the fall,
Make it through it all..
And I don’t wanna fall to pieces,
I just wanna sit and stare at you,
I don’t want to talk about it.
And I don’t want a conversation,
I just wanna cry in front of you,
I don’t wanna talk about it,
Coz I’m in love with you.
You’re the only one
I’d be with till the end..
When i come undone,
You bring me back again.
Back under the stars,
Back into your arms..
Wanna know who you are
Wanna know where to start
I wanna know what this means..
Wanna know how you feel
Wanna know what is real
I wanna know everything, everything..
I’m in love with you
Coz I’m in love with you
I’m in love with you
I’m in love with you..” –Fall to Pieces
...
Its quite amusing when you people underestimate me. I’m stupid, not dumb. I KNOW THINGS.
Honestly, its amusing when you lie to me too. Yeah it is. I guess I’m just too shocked that you still lied to laugh out loud.
I know and I can feel certain issues..and I give you chances to confess or make up for it..and yet, you still lie.
Would it help if I said that I knew you were lying?
Would it help if I said it felt like you ripped me from the inside out, drowning me in thick blood and tears and heat in my very throat and chest?
Would it ease your guilt if I admitted that I’m being overreacting and childish, being so devastated with such a petty thing?
Would it help you realize the truth about me when I say that whenever I am lied to by the people I love and trust with all my heart and soul, I feel like the lowest, most disgusting, unsignificant creature – being unworthy even of the truth?
...
...
I wish I had enough courage – or even enough cowardice – to make my fist collide into every inch of glass, and eventually plunge a considerably big chunk into the root of all this shit I make myself go through – my heart.
I guess this is my turn to be the god of Love. Y’know that scene – where he jumps awake shrieking from the boiling oil searing his shoulder, proof of the lack of trust of his “beloved”, then he flies away with a heart-wrenching:
“Love cannot live where there is no trust!”
I swore to myself that I wouldn’t cry over somebody who killed me, but never really loved me.
“Bakit kita iiyakan, eh ni hindi mo man lang ako minahal?”
..but did you know? I did cry. Cried like there was no tomorrow. Not really for what you did to me, but to what it implied on me – what I really was. A fucking nobody. A nothing. Stupid and dumb. Gullible. Unworthy of anything. Pathetic.
...
...I collapsed on my bed, radio blaring, lights blinding, celphone turned off; me crushing the softest, biggest pillow against my fever-striken body, sobbing almost uncontrollably into the mush of cotton and cloth, imagining it was you I was holding close, whimpering your name in hoarse hiccupping gasps, telling myself:”Kunwari yakap kita ngayon..
kunwari ayaw mo ako bitawan..
Kunwari matutulog na tayo..
K-kunwari na lang..kunwari mahal mo ako..
kunwari mahal na mahal mo ako..”
Alam mo ba na matagal na kitang pinatawad – bago ka pa lantarang nagsinungaling?
Alam mo ba na mahal pa rin kita?
..at hindi ko alam kung bakit.
...