Wednesday, March 2
March 2 Wed.
“I believe in you..
I’ll give up everything just to find you;
I have to be with you-
To live, to breathe,
You’re taking over me..
...
Have you forgotten all I know
And all we had?
You saw me mourning my love for you
And touched my hand,
I knew you loved me then..” –Taking Over Me
...
My friends were cold and quiet towards me.
Nica didn’t talk to me for some time.
Anne looked like she was on the verge of tears.
The others just looked quite disgusted.
Everybody else looked on with pity.
Damn.
I really..really hated myself for being like this..
For being so damn weak..
And pathetic.
But how could I make them see?
Make them feel?
They weren’t there..
They didn’t hear the endless murmurings in my ear..
Feel the nudge and push of delirium..
See the alluring smirk of guilt-driven masochism..
For a moment or two, my only reason for living was the warmth of Inna’s hand stroking my back and wounded fist, as I collapsed onto the wooden table.
...
...
I begged God to take me home.
Clung to Him as the broken-winged bird He gave me hobbled out of my hand; and my soft cries drowning in the distant gurgling of the shore against the ever-yielding sand.
I felt numb.
Like my old self again.
Nothing new, really.
This time..i just didn’t want to get up again..
Or move..
...
But interestingly enough, as the day crept into the late night, a flicker of something burned inside me. A reality. A fact. I acknowledged it aloud..
“I believe him.
I believe in him.
I hope he’s happy.
He deserves to be.
I..
I love him.
Mahal ko siya..
Kung sino man siya.”
I shook my head at my own hard-headedness. It was the most pathetic and stupid thing, they said. But I didn’t care. I had a heart. I had love. And it overcame the odds and doubts and fears. I would stand by what I believed in..
I didn’t know why I was doing it..
But for the off-chance that he WAS telling the truth, then by God, I would fight till the bitter end just for him to be happy. He deserved it. I knew it in my gut.
Don’t ask me why.
I don’t know either.
...
...
I drowned myself in PE swimming class. Jumped off the edge of the pool, and grazed the bottom tiles in a flurry of bubbles and swirling water.
My veins were on fire, and my head buzzing with lack of air. But I didn’t care. It took my mind off the confusion and pain in my heart and still-aching hand.
To pass the spare time, Ms.Fe treated us with play time “experimenting” with these fun noodle-floating thingies..long bendable cylinders of colorful Styrofoam for our amusement. Cai and Denise rode them to kingdom come. Sounds wrong? Heck. IT IS. They even had a race.
The others just bunched them together and made floating mats. Some twisted them around their bodies, and the rest just swam around, whacking them on one another.
It was fun watching them.
I knew I had to do something..to get away..this was my chance. Kahit iilang minuto lang..
I put one under my shoulderblades, and another under my knees. I just tilted my head back, closed my eyes, and floated. I could feel the blazing sun frying my skin two shades darker, and hear the others shouting and laughing and splashing water around. I think I smiled then..
A wishing feather floated lazily and landed on the water near my hand..i picked it up with my finger and wished.
“I wish..”
I never wish for myself..i always end up wishing for other people. So now I wanted to make that single wish count for ME. I did deserve it, didn’t I? I wanted to be happy. Happy. I wanted to go home. Home..where I would be happy forever. Now how would I make that into a wish..?
“I wish..”
Tears welled up in my eyes.
“I wish..that he will be happy. Truly happy. Whoever he is..”
I drew in a breath and blew the wish away. A silent whisper to the forces unseen. A prayer. A confession. A final admonition..
I watched it float away. Higher and higher..farther and farther away from me. I watched till the world blurred over in salted waters.
Then..it came back.
A faint warm wind blew the wish back and I blinked as the feather landed right beneath my eye.
I smiled.
“Ang kulit..”
And with that, I fell asleep to the blurred sight of softly broken waters and hazy dreams.
...
...
I saw right through you.
Why?
Coz hey, if I was in your place, I would do the exact same thing.
Damn..it sure pays to have a superior IQ once in a while.
And y’know what?
My wish came true..
...