Friday, March 18
karma ng anorexicMarch 18 Fri.
“Kung kailan ako kumain, dun pa ako nalason! Poga’ng mundo ‘to, o!” –me
...
Monday afternoon:
Our class had our THE project/culminating activity in the kitchen, where we set up our themed tables and served our home-cooked food.
Our group’s was itallian, so we served pesto pasta. Good enough, coz we knew we were gonna pile our plates with the others’ dishes soon enough.
The others served cakes, pasta, rice, and one group – the Athletic Friends’ – served Filipino cuisine.
In fairness, masarap po ang merengue, palitao, sinigang, red egg, at pork adobo nila, so I pretty much took a bite of each dish. (wag na kayo umangal, anorexic nga ako eh! Minsan lang ako magutom!)
After the activity, we all went home to do our projects.
...
Monday night:
Everyone was online chatting about the projects and assignments to be passed the next day. I was typing the rest of my Filipino paper with Nica, when my stomach..well..twisted itself in tight, painful knots.
I remember biting down on my tongue, just to keep myself from screaming in pain (since my dad was right behind me), and my fingers froze over the keyboard.
The pain passed, but came back twice over. Again. And again. And again. Until it drove me to the brink of insanity. Really. Ganun ka-sakit.
I finally admitted that I couldn’t do my part in the project, and it broke my heart to have to leave it to Nica..but I knew I was going to faint, and I just couldn’t continue.. Nagalit ata siya..but really, I would never even dream of faking a sickness like this just to leave her with the work.
I staggered to my bed, and tried to sleep. I woke up at 3 in the morning, half-mad with agony, and my wrist was raw with bite marks (coz I didn’t want to shout out). I inched to the bathroom, and after a few minutes, my skin froze. I felt it grow cold and sweaty within two seconds. My vision was covered in spots, and my hearing slurred. I knew that feeling. I was gonna faint.
Of course, I didn’t want to faint with my pants down in a locked room, so I made my way out the door and back into my room. That’s when I realized..i was REALLY gonna faint. On the spot. So I did what I always do – analyze. Yes. Analyze. I analyzed how I was gonna faint, so that my head wont hit the corner of the bed, or my body wont twist in a funny way.. (ang drama ko talaga..) the last thing I remembered was that I held onto my bedpost.
And when I opened my eyes, I was staring at my curtain. Okay, so I did pass out. Twice. On the second time, I was sprawled on the bed, and I asked ate Wilma to wake dad up coz: “Nahihimatay na ‘ko..haha..” When dad saw me, he freaked. So did everybody else. I just laughed. Yeah, amidst that pain and hellish fever, I was laughing.
What can I say?
High temperature and increased pain levels kinda does that to me.
...
Tuesday morning:
I could hardly move. My wrist was almost bleeding. My palms were cut by my fingernails. Dad was panicky and persistent with the countless phonecalls, pacing, smoking, thermometer, damp towel, spoon, nagging, Gatorade..oh the Gatorade..
Para daw sa lost electrolytes ko, sabi ni tito edgar (my doc uncle). Poga..sa sobrang daming bote ng Gatorade na pinalagok sa’kin, pwede na ‘ko mag-endorse ng Gatorade! At ng biogesic..Imodium..alcohol..
My fever hit 39. Dad was scared I’d get convulsions or brain damage. I was just smiling. The wet towel felt like ice against my skin that froze me to the bone. I could almost hear my skin sizzling..
Dad stayed with me all day. I heard him make a phonecall about his enemy at work who might use his absence as a means to pin him.
Damn weak body of mine..
Gotta love my dad.
...
Tuesday night:
The main concerns were: lowering my furnace of a fever, making me eat and drink, and my exams.
The real obstacle was making me take in anything. I just couldn’t. I wanted to, mind you. Fuck, I don’t want to be sick! For once I don’t! I had a date the next week, dammit! And they all thought wala lang akong ganang kumain, eh pinipilit ko na nga eh! I had to fight down at least 4 involuntary throw-up urges (kasi sayang daw yung pagkain), and withstand countless nagging and ridicule.
I hated myself more and more.
...
Wednesday morning:
I was still in no state to go to school. I still lost gallons of fluids every three hours, and my fever still didn’t break. They drowned me in icewater and alcohol till my skin softened like cool plastic.
Dad still didn’t go to work, and I sure as hell loved him for that. He kept watching over me, and taking my temperature. The only thing I didn’t like much was him forcing me to eat and drink when I claimed I couldn’t anymore.
“Dad, di ko na kaya..”
“Pilitin mo! Kundi I-papa-dextrose kita! Ano?”
Hah. That made me laugh a bit. He still thought I was afraid of the dextrose. I used to abhor it when I was a kid, and threatening me with it was the only way he could make me eat. But now, I was 16 – and I loved needles and blood. But hey, I still fought. I fought against that damned fever and that friggin pain.
I had something else I was looking forward to. My inspiration.
“Kaya mo yan..i know God won’t let anything happen to my angel..”
It made me smile. And hang on.
I just wished that my mom was there with me..
...
Wednesday night:
I learned from Anne that a lot of us in the class were absent, and all for the same reason: the Filipino cuisine of the Athletic Friends group. I personally think it was the pork adobo..or the sinigang, I dunno. But I laughed at the grim thought. Kung kailan ba naman naganahan ako kumain ng marami, dun pa may lason yung pagkain!
I still had a pretty rowdy night, but I took comfort in the thought that someone was watching over me.
...
Thursday morning:
Dad had to go to work. Since he couldn’t take care of me at home, he sent me to my lola’s place. Okay, so I got up and walked around on my legs (which literally felt like rubberbands) and was driven by Kuya Ricky to Lola’s place. Haha. He took one look at me and:
“Aba..sumexi ka ah!”
“Gago!”
That actually made me laugh. Loko talaga yung kuya Ricky na yun. Once at Lola’s kuya bombarded me with pats and hugs and nags – as usual. But I had to admit, I missed him..a lot..
I stayed there the whole day, still weak and scared with the thought of being rushed to the hospital in my skimpy shorts. I forced myself to eat, and they pretty much forced me to take in every piece of medicine they could find. I was a kid again. Oh well..I just spent the day listening to the fluctuating sounds of nickelodeon channel outside, slipping in and out of sleep, and praying.
Yes. I was praying.
I really did think I was going to die. I found myself praying for..well..everybody. All my friends, family..even enemies. It seemed so easy recalling their names, past experiences, and what you want for them when you’re sick in bed..
I heard I almost did die.
I realized that I was actually ready.
...
Thursday night:
Tito Edgar dropped by with a nice black bag. He asked me about how I felt, and all that stuff. He made my excuse slip for school, and decided that I needed THAT.
What is THAT?
The one thing eveyone’s been trying to avoid the whole time. The one thing I’ve actually been looking forward to the whole time.
The dextrose.
I was laughing as I tried to keep a straight face. Hey, at least I wasn’t going to end up in a hospital (I have a phobia for hospitals..i don’t know why..). He took out this weird looking needle with flaps on it and was tying a rubber glove around my left forearm (believe me, it was hard to hide the scars from everybody..) And me, of course – being the wannabe cardio-surgeon like my uncle in the future – kept asking questions like a little kid.
“Tito, what’s that?”
“Ah..tawag jan..butterfly needle.”
“Haha, nice name. Is this gonna hurt?”
“Di naman..onti lang.”
Okay. I gotta say that people sure come up with nice misnomers for torture devices. It didn’t hurt a bit. It hurt a lot. But for a masochist, a two-inch needle being skewered into your vein kinda hits the spot. I admit, the sensation made me grin. And the blood? Made me drool.
One point, as kuya was looking away from the gore of it all, my phone lighted up. Kuya saw it, and raised an eyebrow at me. I guess he knew..and it was cool that he was trying to help me sort things out, and not snuff me like all the others.
“O..nalaman mo na ba ang katotohanan, Celine?”
“Erm..”
“Haay nako..alamin mo na! Ayoko’ng nakikita kang umaasa sa wala!”
“He’s not lying, kuya..naniniwala ako sa kanya.”
“Eh sa’kin, di ka naniniwala? Kuya mo ‘ko..”
“Naniniwala din. Pero wala naman ako’ng paki-elam sa itsura nya eh.”
“Eh pano kung nagsisinungaling pala sha?”
“Haha..ewan ko sa kanya..”
“Kaw talaga Celine, o..sumusobra nanaman yang puso mo eh.”
“lagi naman eh..”
I went home hooked up to a dextrose. I lied down on my dad’s lap in the car, and sometime that night, when his hand was around me, and his other hand on my forehead..
All else seemed to just fade away. Really. Even the dull vibration of my message-alert. I wouldn’t exchange that moment for anything.
...
Friday morning:
I woke up at dawn, and realized my dextrose was all out. Dad tried to replace it, but I guess my blood in the tube already coagulated while I was asleep, so I had to settle for that one bottle. I was stronger, but still too weak to go to school.
I spent the day at lola’s again, but this time I got to spend more time with kuya. He kept on whacking (playfully yet excruciatingly) my stomach, my head, my arms, and my legs. We kept on laughing about stuff..and damn, I missed having fun with him like that..
“Pa’no kayo na-food poisoning?!”
“Sa kinain siguro namin sa school..”
“Lam mo, dami na naf-food poisoning ngayon sa Pinas! Hmm..bakit kaya?”
“Baka may bio-weapon na sinusubok sa mga pilipino!”
“Oo nga!” *imitates GMA, with a finger in the air* “Nako, sa likod nito sigurado ay si Osama. AT sa likod nya naman ay si Allah.”
*laughter*
“Gago kuya, may mga muslim tayo’ng kapit-bahay!”
“ayputanginaoonganoh!”
He played around with our baby cousin Marie – who took a liking to me, haha – and it just amazes me how kuya can put up with her and still come up with his projects.
“Alam mo ba yang si marie? Orchestra namin yan!”
“Eh? Paano?”
“Pakinggan mo. Meron ka na’ng trumpet, trombone, piccolo, saxophone, at alarm clock all in one!”
But hey, he really loves that kid. And she really loves him too..he has the scars, bruises, and drool marks to prove it.
...
Friday Night:
I was feeling sort of empty. I woke up at dawn, and still nothing. The fever had gone down, the pain got a whole lot more bearable..but something was wrong. And not just with my body.
I remembered one of the countless dreams I had when I was still sick..it seemed so vivid, and symbolic. Scary, really. For me. I’ll just talk about it in the next entry I’ll make..
I thanked God I got to live through my ordeal (damn, no joke yun, ah!). It kinda brought the family together. In a way. It made us all pray a little harder, and it sure made me stronger. In more ways than one.
Shit talaga..parang ayoko na kumain ever!!
Icequeen out.