Wednesday, December 1
Dec. 1 Wed.
"Awake, through the years it takes to see you
Till I almost lose my mind '
Coz ill never be alrght;
And im sorry you had to see this..
But im such a mess,
And I never could forget..
...
Im scared ill miss the way we used to talk
And if its all forever lost, dont wanna know,
Im scared that you're the one that got away.." -Awake
...
Morning light..
Then you drive such a hard bargain.
Im sorry..
But fuck, I aint THAT strong.
...
...
Swimming class today, and for some reason..for the past two weeks, ive noticed that I got stronger.
Yeah, stronger..
My lungs didnt beg for breath at the first few strokes, my muscles didnt lock and get heavy with the first few kicks..not like before.
Now I could finish around 2 and a half lengthwise laps before getting tired.
Which is very..very weird.
Due to the fact that I already took the dive..i was expecting to get a lot weaker - especially at swimming.
*grin* but I guess in a way, I kinda proved Sigmund Freud's theory. *wink*
For once, I got to enjoy racing, saving, and singing once-dangerous songs in the shower room with my friends.
This time, it was me patting their backs and soothing their aching hearts. They were happy for me, that I seemed to have moved on..
Well, I was happy to be their so called 'hope'.
*you give your hand to me..
And then you say goodbye..
I watch you walk away..*
...
At dismissal, I got to catch ate Sop and give her two big hugs, hehe.
..*smiles gently*
But then, we had to plan for Maika's birthday tomorrow, and came up with a nice one..hehehe.
Going home was kinda sad, I was tired from swimming, and sis was absent, and te sop didnt have time to stay and chat a while.
*sigh*
It was ayt. The overcast was keeping me company.
...
...
The rain pounding against the windows and wind howling through the trees in the dead of the night was causing a stir of emotions in me..
Like pale, slender fingers swirling and sifting through sticky, ran-drenched soil.
I suddenly grew afraid.
Ancient fears gurgled up within my mind, and seeped into my frigid skin.
I lay there, curled up in a mound of pillows and blankets, staring blankly at the empty space beside me.
...
I wasnt afraid of death..i knew how it was to die..
But I was terrified at the thought of dying like this..
..sixth and seventh on your lists..
The thought that I would never..
NEVER..
Get to have the things I wanted..the things I needed..
Never get to be with the people I wanted to be with..
Coz I let my chances pass me by..
And now I could never never never go back.
It terrified me.
...
Never was like a big gaping void inside me, sucking in every loose brick and thread of hope and dream I held..
Never was like a death sentence, with the mallet’s resonating slam sealing my fate..
Never was like a dead end, with the firing squad leader calling out the countdown behind me..
Never was like a huge oak door slamming shut before me, the dry click of the lock echoing through the empty hallway..
Never.. is an awfully long time.
...