Monday, July 5
Jul. 5 Mon.
"Celine...Salamat." -my mortal enemy/once best friend
It was the last period, THE, and we were all tired. We were going to report about the different food preservation techniques. When the group on Fermentation reported up front... I was just taking down notes, and trying my best not to relive the harsh past as I looked upon one of the reporters...
...
She was once my best friend. She called me 'the big sister she never had'. She always got into trouble, and I'd patch up her wounds, cover up for her, get her out of trouble, and sometimes...get into trouble BECAUSE of her.
I got my first verbal warning EVER...because I was just ACCOMPANYING her to the CA's office. She got into trouble with her new friends, and begged me to go with her coz she was scared. And I did. Despite the fact that she completely didn't give a shit about me. I stood there, as she sobbed into my shoulder, and as the teacher wrote down the names of the people who were noisy at the morning assembly...inluding one who was innocent. Me.
She always lied...to everyone, especially me. She tricked me countless times, and broke so many promises. She was so affixated on her pride and selfishness, and was willing to do anything just to get some attention. I even blindly believed in her lies, closing my eyes to the truth.
I smiled as my former barkada threw me out of the group. And I dug my nails into my palm, and forced back the tears as she told me the reason why:
"Mashado ka kasing mabait, eh... You love us too much."
She told lies about me to other people. She made me believe in something so far-fetched... I knew it was pathetic, but I believed her.
For 2 and a half years, she claims that she doesn't remember that we had a fight - that she hurt me at all. Nothing, she says. She says she probably had amnesia. What a liar.
So I ended up looking like the bit*hin' idiotic freak who claims that I recall stuff about us having a fight before...about her hurting me. But nobody else seems to remember... And I'm left all alone.
Everytime I see her, I want to kill her. Slam her against a wall, and slowly stab a pencil into her neck. I hated her so much, I nearly killed her once. Literally. I was staring at her from across the Assumpta theater. She was laughing with the 'friends' she exchanged me for. I focused all my hatred and anger, and clenched my hand. Suddenly, she stopped laughing and CHOKED. She clutched her neck, coughed and wheezed, fighting for every breath. Her 'friends' were scared. They were screaming and shrieking for help. I watched her as she slowly died... I held her life in my hands, and I was making her suffer...as she made me suffer. I felt my lips form into an evil grin. Eerie words were murmuring in my ears. I clenched my hand tighter. She squeezed her eyes shut, and slammed against her chair. I wanted to kill her. I could. I had the power. I had the perfect cover. And guess what...I had REASON. If people only knew what she did to me, what she made me go through...
...I never got to kill her that day. I unclenched my hand before she fainted. Why?
Coz even though I hate her guts...that doesn't erase the fact that I still LOVED her...and that made all the difference...
She doesn't know...I killed myself for her once. I dreamt she opened a forbidden box, coz she wanted to show off to her 'friends'. When she did, a cloud of moths flew around her and bit her. All her 'friends' were disgusted with her, and went away. They left her alone, because they knew that whoever got bit by the moths would DIE. I watched her from afar. I turned away... *Bahala siya sa buhay niya...I tried to dissuade her, but no...Her pride and selfishness was more important than my love for her.* I took one step, and was suddenly inside a red sportscar, driving away. I looked in the rearview mirror, and saw her. She was kneeling on the ground, holding the box, with the moths flying about her. She looked so sad and broken. I heard a faint "Iniwan na nila akong lahat...akala ko kaibigan ko sila..."
I sighed, and stopped the car. I stepped out, and turned around. I stepped closer to her, and stretched out my hand. "Once a friend...always a friend." She looked up at me. She could hardly believe it. As the poison of the moths ate away at her life force, she slowly raised her hand up to mine. Without a second thought, I grasped her hand firmly. At the contact, the moths transferred to me and one bit me on the knuckle. I died for her.
I'm still dying for her. I love her so damn much. I wouldn't hate her so much if I didn't love her in the first place. She'd never know...
...
The teacher asked the reporters a question.
"What do you have to combine with the grapes to produce wine?"
They didn't know. She just stood there in front, trying desperately to find the answer. The class would have told her, if only they knew the answer. After a few embarrassing attempts, I summoned all my courage and love. I leaned sideward, and waved to her. She caught my eye. I grit my teeth and forced back the urge to hate and kill her. I whispered the word "Sugar!" to her again and again. She looked up at the teacher and said: "Miss...sugar!" The teacher nodded, saying "Very good." She beamed. The teacher asked her another question.
"What is the classic example of a fermented product?"
And once again, she had no idea. After a few moments of blankly staring and nervous laughter, she was getting embarrassed. I breathed deeply, and once again leaned closer to her and seethed the word "Wine!". She looked away for a moment, pretended to be in deep thought, then slowly looked up at the teacher. With an innocent, unsure look, she said: "Miss...I'm not sure, but...I think... Wine?"
The teacher once again gave her a "Very Good." She flashed a smile, and coyly ran her hand through her hair as the class cheered for her. "Hehe, alam mo naman..." And without a second glance at me, she took her seat and got top marks in reporting.
...
I stared blankly. I couldn't believe it. She used me...again. I loved too much...again. I allowed myself to sacrifice for her, and she takes all the credit. I bit my lip and looked down at my desk. Tears were pounding in my eyes. I furiously tried to blink them away. I wasn't going to get hurt by her, not again.
I imagined a young girl crying against a boulder in the middle of a school garden. I took her in my arms, and held her tight, stroking her hair. I whispered "You're so brave...so very loving and brave... I'm so proud of you..."
Only God could have seen and felt what I went through.
...
At dismissal time, I pulled on my mask, and cheerfully grabbed my bags. As I fixed my things, I heard someone singing a stanza from The Reason by Hoobastank with a very bad voice. I covered my ears and jokingly exclaimed:
"Tama na! Not that song, please! Masakit yan sa puso ko!"
The singing stopped. I looked up and saw that the singer was none other than her - my once best friend, my mortal enemy. She stared at me. Then quite suddenly, she said:
"Celine...Salamat sa kanina, ha..."
...
I couldn't talk. I couldn't breathe. I felt the blood rush to my face. It was like I was beholding a miracle. I could only stare back at her, slightly gaping. I smiled.
"W-walang anuman..."
She flashed a smile. But then, she added something...
"Alam mo, Celine...I dedicate this song to you."
...
My eyes widened. I couldn't believe it. I had to be dreaming. Two and a half years, and now this? It had to be a trick... She sang to me.
"I'm not a perfect person...
As many things I wished I didn't do
But I continue learning
I NEVER MEANT TO DO THOSE THINGS TO YOU...
I'VE FOUND A REASON FOR ME
TO CHANGE WHO I USED TO BE
A REASON TO START OVER NEW...
AND THE RESON IS YOU!
I'M SORRY THAT I HURT YOU...
It's something I must live with everyday...
AND ALL THE PAIN I PUT YOU THROUGH
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears...
I'VE FOUND A REASON TO SHOW
A SIDE OF ME YOU DIDN'T KNOW
A REASON FOR ALL THAT I DO...
AND THE REASON IS YOUUUUU!!!!"
...
I nearly fainted on the spot. I wanted to fall down on my knees and thank God. I wanted to pull her into my embrace and hug her tight.
All those years of suffering and dying for and because of her...
They all suddenly seemed worthwhile.