Saturday, July 3
Jul. 3 Sat.
"I'd want nothing more
Than to stand outside heaven's door
And listen to you breathing..." -Breathing, Lifehouse
The computer's busted. I had to go to an internet cafe to do my research. Since dad wanted to visit Lola's place for the day, I tagged along with him, and we ended up at Ali Mall where I did my homework.
...
The place looked decent enough. I sat myself down at PC16, logged on, and did my research. After which, dad still hadn't come back to pick me up yet. So with 200 bucks in my pocket, I decided to open YM and check out some blogs.
The background music was killing me.
One after the other, sad and sentimental (aka DANGEROUS) songs were playing. Burn by Usher played at least 3 times, and the others were tragic love songs from the not so distant past. All of which...threatened to hurt me so bad, I would probably break down and cry on the keyboard.
"I'll never get over you getting over me..."
"I'll never fall in love again..."
"It was you looking in my eyes...It was you who first believed..."
"Everytime I try I fall without my wings..."
"Now its too late, she ain't comin' back..."
"I wanted to hold you, I wanted to make it go away..."
"You're my only...hope..."
"Have you ever loved somebody so much it made you cry?"
...
But the winners:
"As we move to embrace
Tears fall down your face
I whisper words of love so softly...
I can't believe this pain,
It's driving me insane
Without your love
Life would be lonely...
...
So raise your hands to heaven and pray
That we'll be back together someday..."
"And I'd give up forever to touch you...
Coz I know that you feel me somehow...
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't wanna go home right now...
...
And all I can taste is this moment...
And all I can breathe is your life...
But sooner or later, its over...
...
I just don't wanna miss you tonight...
...
And I don't want the world to see me
Coz I don't think that they'll understand
When everything's made to be broken...
I just want you to know...
Who I am..."
"I'm falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I've held on to
Standing here until you make me move,
Just hanging by a moment here with you..."
And this one...I don't remember all the lyrics, coz it was the first time I heard it play. Its such a beautiful song...
"And I'd want nothing more
Than to stand outside heaven's door,
And listen to you breathing..."
...
Nice bgms, ne?
Fate was on a torture spree.
He's probably uspet that I was slowly accepting, and trying to be happy now...despite the pain.
I grit my teeth, ran my hand through my hair, and breathed deeply. I had to be strong. Fate, Pain, or even the devil won't win over me. I could do this. One step at a time.
I opened my eyes and saw...
...
She was online.
I felt the blood drain from my face.
*Okay, that's one step too far...*
I was typing some offline messages to her, coz I knew she wouldn't be online at that time. I was sending her the lyrics and titles of the songs that were playing. And at some point, a different name appeared on the dialog box. It was hers.
"Hey...I ain't that far away..."
*Damn.*
I wanted to bash my head against the monitor. Stupid of me.
And as I chatted with her, the bgms still ringing in my ears, the words of her and her savior's blog still on the screen...I couldn't help it. I tripped. And fell. And shattered once more into a thousand pieces.
...
But I gathered the pieces quickly, and put them back together again. I collected myself, and pulled myself up from the hopelessness and despair that threatened to drown me once more. But I didn't have to try so hard... I had new strength now, and it was actually helping a lot...
I fell asleep that night, the melody of my new theme song playing softly in my head.
...
"I'd want nothing more..."
I stared at the cieling, as the moonlight cast soft shadows against its ivory paint.
"Than to stand outside heaven's door..."
I brought my hand up a few inches in front of my face. I looked at my palm and fingers, and tried to make out the fine lines that ran across them. In the darkness, I tried to recall how it felt like when her hand was in mine...
"And listen to you breathing..."
I remembered how she looked like when she was sleeping... How she stirred slightly as I whispered to her... And how it felt like to be so close to her, and yet so far away...
...
In the semi-darkness of the room, I stretched my fingers and slowly opened my hand.
*Fly away, little bird... Towards the sky...towards the sun...*
I closed my eyes and smiled.