Thursday, July 1
Jul. 1 Thurs.
"The devil speaks Tagalog..." -me
...
A little voice was talking in my head. It was plain as day, and spoke the truth...like an innocent little girl.
D'you wanna hear?
...
"Ano ba yan...di ka na maka-relate sa mga berks mo...
Kaw kasi, eh, asan ka ba nung kailangan ka nila?
Bakit ba kasi nagpapaka-man hater ka pa, eh tingnan mo...ayaw na nila tuloy ikwento sayo yung mga crush nila...
Tsk tsk tsk...anong klaseng kaibigan ka?"
...
I wanted to stab the plastic fork into my skin.
...
"Hay nako...lagpak ka nanaman sa quiz...
Lagot, baka ngayong schoolyear, di mo na kayang i-sustain ang mataas na grades mo...
Hala...bakit sa recitation, ang galing galing mo?
Baka isipin ng mga kaklase at teachers mo, hanggang salita ka na lang pala... Yan, kasi, nagyayabang.
Nakakahiya naman..."
...
I wanted to break the pencil in my hand into splinters.
...
Ah, but the winner...
"Heh. Nakita mo yon?
Pumupunta lang ata siya sayo kung wala na siyang ibang magawa, eh!
Kung wala na siyang ibang makausap...
Ano ba yan...di ka ata pinapansin, ah...
Nagsawa na ata sayo. Sabagay, masaya na siya ngayon, kasi ligtas na siya.
At ikaw, panira ka lang, epal sa happily ever after nya.
Napagod na rin siya sa kakamahal sayo.
O, wag kang umiyak...ikaw naman nagsabi sa kanya na kung mag-iiwanan man...siya na lang ang mang-iwan, diba?
Ay sus, iha, di mo pa ba nakikita?
...Panakip-butas ka lang."
*PANAKIP-BUTAS*
*PA.NA.KIP...BU.TAS.*
...
I stared. The voice was right.
...
"O, ano pa'ng hinihintay mo?
Sige na, tuluyan mo na sarili mo.
Dapat lang.
Wala ka nang silbi, actually.
Wag mo nang pansinin yung mga sinasabi ng mga tao...
Sabi lang nila yun, para hindi sila ma-guilty sa suicide mo.
Sige na."
...
...
I was so close.
But then, I felt something inside me...not a voice, but a call. A sort of impulse. It was faint, but it was there. With great difficulty, I yanked my consciousness away from the clear voice. I investigated this tiny flame inside me...
It was strength.
...
I gritted my teeth and breathed deeply. I wasn't going to give in to the voice. I was stronger than that. It was foolish to underestimate me.
I held on to the tiny flame, and pulled myself up from my hopeless state. I wasn't gonna give up, no matter how strong and tantalizing the temptation was. For my reasons, and for God.
I prayed. I thanked Jesus for the strength. It looked like I'd fight for another day as a soldier of Christ.
...
But I learned something quite interesting, yet somehow scary...
The devil speaks Tagalog.
And quite fluently, I might add.
...
Pero sorry sha. Di niya ko kaya. Che. Manigas siya.