Friday, June 4
Jun. 4 Fri.
"You bleed just to know you're alive..." -Iris, Googoo Dolls
WARNING: IF YOU ARE HAPPY AND WANT TO STAY HAPPY, DO NOT READ THIS ENTRY. I MEAN IT.
...
To pull me up
Up, up, up...
So high,
That I was blinded by eternity.
To let me hover for a moment
In the sky...
To let me kiss the clouds,
Breathe in the sunlight, and
Caress the fragile colors
Of the rainbow.
For a moment...
Just a moment...
What a moment it was!
...
But...
A moment...
Was all it was.
...
To let go of me-
To open warm hands,
And stretch
Such gentle, delicate fingers
One by one,
Ever so slowly.
To let me fall down
Down, down, down
Back into the dark abyss
Of my cruel life.
To watch-
As Pain drove me mad
With his searing caresses
And white-hot kiss.
...
As Despair held me fast
His arm around my waist,
Pulling me down even faster.
...
As Emptiness enveloped me,
My soul lost
In the vast, endless wasteland
Of his hollow gaze.
...
As Sadness drowned me
From the inside,
Flooding my being
With his heavy, salty tears.
I succumbed to it all
For I was in shock
My mind,
My heart,
My soul...
Numbed by the harsh reality
Of what just happened.
...
"How...
How could you?"
...
To curse-
As I fell to my doom
As the warmth of your hands
Faded from my skin.
As the cold fingers
Of eternal winter
Entwined themselves
Around mine.
...
Once again...
All over again.
...
To grit your teeth-
As the darkness
Swallowed me whole...
And as the angels
Unfurled their glorious wings
And covered you with kisses,
Murmuring sweet words
Of your paradise at last...
At long last.
...
To apologize
Over and over,
Incessant whimpers of
"Sorry..."-
As I crashed
Into myself...
A mirror-
The bedrock of my soul.
...
"Sorry...
Sorry...
I'm so sorry..."
...
To close your eyes,
Those blessed orbs
Red and swollen
With bitter tears,
Like twin suns
Setting in the crystal azure-
As I lay
Broken and bleeding
In an ocean
Of shattered glass...
...
Open hands.
...
Shattered glass.
...
Closed eyes.
...
Broken heart.
...
The price
I had to pay...
For what?
Wanting,
Longing...
No,
Desiring...
To live.
Yearning for life.
To taste,
To hear,
To feel...
To savor everything.
Anything...
...
I was Frozen
For so long-
Cold,
Dead,
And numb.
And now...
I wanted to live.
...
And as I looked
Upon myself-
With Pain kissing
Every inch
Of my broken, bleeding body...
As I gazed
At my torn hands
Tarnished with crimson blood,
And sharply daubed
With drops
Of my hot tears...
As I heard
The soft crunching sound
Made by the tiny shards of glass
Clinging slightly,
Embedded into
My bare skin...
...
I smiled.
...
...
*I've never felt so alive.*
...