Monday, March 1
March 1 Monday
I'm back! WARNING: VERY LONG ENTRY.
Finally. I know i haven't been paying too much attention to my blog entries...its coz i was spending too much time on YM that my internet credits ran out! Oh, man...my dad's gonna kill me! Well, I could just tell him to make it my gift for my high grades in the 3rd quarter.
Oh, well.
Let's see...for the past week, lots of weird and unexplained straight-up FREAKY stuff has been happening. Last monday, I was burning up with a damn fever, but I still went to school. Why? Well, its simple. There are much more 'reasons' at school than at home. I'd rather have another blackout at school coz of fever rather than stay at home where I'm all by my lonesome with my friends the Swiss Army Knife and Gilette blade. But I guess going to school sick was a...bad idea. Sorta. I was having these...episodes. I don't know about everyone else, but I used to have these really weird experiences when it seems that time just...stops...and then when I snap back to real time, everyone's in another position already. Like my brain just went dead for a moment. Like the time when I was about...5 years old at Zamboanga. The last thing I remembered was that I was picking up these really dirty rocks in the backyard and popping them in my mouth. Then the scenery froze. I was just standing there with these stones in my hand, the sun was shining, the dog was walking, my grandma was reading the newspaper. Time seemed to stop for about...10 seconds. Then the next thing I knew, I was in an emergency room in a hospital with a dextrose in my wrist and all these doctors around. Turns out, I got sick because of the stones I was picking up.
Last Monday, it happened again. For about 5 times the whole day. For example: at lunchtime, my friends and I went up to the multi for food, and I ran into ate Sop. She forced me to sneak into the dayboard and greet Beija for her birthday. I wanted to say that I was sick, but she said it would be fun, so I went thinking *ambait naman ni ate sop*. They were there, eating lunch and Beijas cake. The last thing I remembered was when I looked at their trays...I was staring at the cupcakes at the sides...they were topped with babyblue icing and rainbow heart sprinkles. Then my mind stopped. The next thing I knew, I was already outside the cafeteria, holding my pounding head.
If that wasn't weird enough, at dismissal time, my fever was full-blown, and I was near hysteria from the heat. I was waiting for Nica in the 2nd year corridor with my friends. My bag was slicing into my shoulder and I was losing grip of my folder. When the heat seemed to wash over me, my hearing started to go. The voices were slurring, and my vision was dimming at the edges. Nice. Another blackout coming right up. I hardly felt myself tip over and slam into the concrete wall beside me. And as I was just leaning, my gaze wandered to the stairs, and I saw Therese, Camille, and Beija coming down. It was a little funny, because from my point of view, they were moving in slo-mo. It seemed as if it was taking them forever to reach the 2nd year landing. I wanted to raise my hand at least to say hi, but my body didn't allow it. Too tired...too sick...shutting down...But then, Beija turned and looked at me. I don't really know what she did...whether she waved, said hi, or whatever, I wouldn't know. She just froze. She was just standing there, smiling. Weird. I was wondering: "What the heck is she looking at? Why is she just standing there? Another staring session? Did her brain shut down too?" The next thing I knew, they were long gone, and my friends were snapping their fingers infront of my face, calling my attention. "Ano ka ba, Celine? Ok ka lang? Kanina ka pa nakatayo lang jan! Kaw kasi, pumapasok ka na may fever!" Hehe. *Id rather faint at school with you guys than stay at home by myself and drown in my depression.* I thought.
Mondays always bring revelations. Always. Small ones, big ones, and ones that...will take me months to digest. So don't be surprised if one normal schoolday, you would hear a blood-curdling scream from the 2nd year floor, a loud crash, shattering windows, and a thud. It would be me. But I'll say this: "You're not any less than the person I met. Once a friend, always a friend. Just...don't go overboard and get into trouble." NOW do I sound like a mom? Hahahaha...
Now about Tuesday...Fun, pare. Not as bad as I thought it would be. We had to practice for the english asian fest play. Our country's Korea, and we have a very complicated cliche plot. Im one of the lead roles: the antagonist, really. The great, green-eyed, and green-minded Chinese Emperor Wudi (its pronounced as 'wuti'). My character was cool, coz i get to stand tall and shout at my servants who do nothing but kneel, bow, and obey my every whim. Whoahahahaha. (in zim's tone): "SILENCE! You dare question my decisions?!(raise eyebrow)" Hahahaha. The only thing I hate about it is...well...Im a rich and powerful guy...(God, the mere fact that Im acting as a guy is torture enough)...and you know what I have? I can't even type it without flinching. I have...concubines..! (shudders at the thought) I have about 6 all in all. And there's this really disgusting scene where Im lying in a bed with all of them...uh... 'serving' me. SOUNDS WRONG?! TRY TYPING THE SCRIPT! LET'S SEE IF THAT DOESN'T SOUND WRONG!!! That's right. Im the head scriptwriter. It took me a very long time to edit that single scene, man! I had to punch every key thinking: "Good God, I'm gonna act this out! I'm gonna act this! I can't act this! I can't act as the one creature I've always loathed since I was nine infront of the whole batch!" As we were practicing that scene, I was all: "Oh my God...Oh my God...Get away from me! My moral values! My precious moral values!!!"
I spent the longest time just chatting on YM. A total of 3 hours and 56 mins. Dad is going to strangle me when he gets the bill. But, hey. It was all worth it, man! It was so much fun in this conference thing. Issa, Beija, me, and KYRA! hahaha! They kept throwing pies at me, though. Mmmm...pineapple. Not to worry, I got to bring out 'the other' and torture Kyra by changing the environment into "precious moments" complete with the hearts and cute cuddly drawings and font. Kyra was begging for mercy! They don't call me Marquise de Sadde for nutin! Hahaha! (joke!) South Pacific is sooo disturbing, man! I'm telling you, it will hypnotize you. Especially that song "happy talk". Good thing Beija didn't have listen to that one. We were chatting about what happened last WB meeting, where I tried to do 'something'. Seems only Issa and Beija noticed. Freaky, pare. We tried mind-reading, and talked about this soulmates thing. I involuntarily sensed colors from Beija! I can't control it voluntarily, though. But I can make it rain! I can make it rain! I think I made it rain last Tuesday! I am SO SORRY IF I MADE IT RAIN LAST TUESDAY! I made a chant to summon rain, and it worked! I think...But the consequences were harsh...turns out the 1st years' stargazing got cancelled coz of the rain...SORRY KUNG AKO UNG MAY KASALANAN!!! I'll try it out some other time, then! Hahaha!
Wednesday was pretty dull. I attended a 7am mass with my dad and had to stay at home to finish my homework. Damn reflection papers...The day was hot and humid, and my fever showed no signs of breaking. I couldn't use the internet, coz my creds expired, so I just listened to Amy Lee for the whole day. I felt like my knuckles were sliced, or sumtin. The only exciting thing that happened was when I got my finger stuck in the belt buckle. It hurt like hell. No blood though. Nuts. Funny, there's no wound, but it hurts so much inside. Kinda like my life. Hahaha.
Thursday was...dragging, really. I spent the day thinking my whole life over...and over. I realized I didn't have and couldn't do a lot of things that other girls my age could. I didn't know how to cook, clean the house, fix myself, pick out good outfit combinations, put on makeup...heck, I don't even HAVE makeup! All I ever had in my life was a lipgloss thingy my friend gave me, facepowder my dad bought for me, and a herbench lipshiner my brother gave me...MY BROTHER! MY OLDER BROTHER! AND OUT OF PITY, TOO! Stupid life. I was deprived of a lot of things I needed, and was forcefed a lot of things nobody would ever want! Like a twisted cursed life, for example. I replayed the bad things in my life over and over for the whole day. At English period, though, I was bursting at the seams with all those suppressed emotions of mine. The bad thing is, everyone noticed. But the good thing is, everyone noticed because I acted it out on my role in the play. I tied my hair in a tight bun to look chinese, and poured my guts out on the stage. My voice was so loud and scary, everyone commended me on being such a great actress...bagay daw talagang maging emperor Wudi. Some of them even claimed that if they didn't meet me before, they would be downright terrified of me. Haha.
At dismissal, we came from the computer room, and I was lagging behind the crowd, clutching my old Coreldraw project printout. I held onto the railing and looked at my drawing... "Draw what Mother Mary is for you" It was a picture of Mary embracing a little girl. "For me, Mary is a mother...caring, and loving." So simple, and yet, made me well up with so much suppressed emotions. Stupid me. Stupid me. Stupid useless, pointless, pathetic life of mine. Anger, hatred, pain, anguish, hopelessness...I should just jump. Sure, I'll just pretty much make a dent on the concrete, but for a fleeting second, I would be free of all this. So I stood on the railing. Then, that echoing voice in the back of my head again..."What about your reasons? You still have 11, and that's not bad. Your reasons, think of your reasons!" Reasons? Who am I kidding? They would all end up hating me and killing me, just like all the others. Maybe this 'reasons' thing is just another subconscious scheme of mine to stay alive... to suffer some more...masochist that I am...Oh, well. Looks like God doesn't really care...Here goes...Since I was tall, all I had to do was lean over and I would instantly fall. But as I was about to, the unsuspected happened. A classmate of mine (who isn't really that close a friend to me) came up beside me, and as if in some sort of trance, said: "You know what, Celine? You looked really good with your hair in a bun...You were so pretty...and so cool acting as Emperor...Idol talaga kita..." That did it. I wanted to scream. Why...Why...WHY DO YOU MOCK ME, O LORD?! KUNG KAILAN GAGAWIN KO NA TALAGA, BIGLANG MAY DARATING NA LILIGTAS SAKIN! That was the 4th time I was saved by someone who was oblivious to the fact that they just pulled me from the edge. *Looks like God still has a plan for me, then...*
I never stopped wishing that Friday afternoons would never end. The earlier part of the day was kinda sad... for the fact that all my friends were too busy to eat with me, and I was losing my appetite. I remembered poking my pasta with my fork at lunch, and wishing I didn't have to be by myself at the table. As I sat there, leaning on my hand, something suddenly exploded in my head. It felt like a huge boulder grinding against an asphalt road in my mind. I gripped my head, and as instantly as it came, it was gone... Aha, I thought. I think I know what caused this... I frantically looked around the caf and by the pathway, I saw none other than the lot of WB and a very apologetic Beija. *Yeah, you better be!* I thought, massaging my head. Hey, at least she's getting better at this. She came over (out of boredom, what else) and we chatted about low grades, superior IQs, underachieving, and mind-numbing tests. Speaking of tests, we had our Filipino test up at the penthouse. Long test, long story, no chairs, no desks, equals me breaking my back and neck, and Les sleeping on the concrete floor. When it was finally over, I rushed to the classroom for clubs. We had a few laughs outside, where they were quite fascinated with my hip and shoulder bones. We discussed stuff about emanon, and other due articles. But after that, we sprawled on the carpet and just...got high. I dunno if it was the paint, or the heat, or the carpets, but we were laughing so hard about everything...like we weren't living twisted miserable lives at all...we could just say anything and everything, no need for disguises here, and nobody would ridicule us. Just like getting high(without the bad health side effects)...*heaven ko 'to, pare...* Issa had the full blast of it, though, and she was singing everything that popped into her head - real loud. Pretty soon, Beija and Kyra were bearing down on her, and strangling her for all they're worth. I just sat there, torturing Issa in my mind. *It's always the quiet ones...* That is so true. We had a couple of mind reading trials, and found out that Kyra and Beija were getting better at it, and that Ate Sop was a hidden natural. Camille and the others were dancing around and drawing... stuff...on the board. *Don't worry, I'm kinda getting used to this.* Surprisingly, Friday became revelations day too. All I have to say, is that I shouldn't try to sense people in the bathroom. The emotions tend to tunnel into me full force. I always doubted this 'ability' thing. I'm a very analytical person, and I shouldn't believe in such subjective and non-scientifically proven phenomenon. I never wanted to believe in it, because if what I sensed in people were true, that would mean that almost every single person I meet is suffering so much and hiding it. But I guess there's some truth to it. Looks like I have a lot in common with some people. It just doesn't really show. At some points in the afternoon, I nearly blurted out my life's story to my WB mates. Beija was shouting at me from the other side of the room: "Sorry if my life is so angsty and sad and depressed! Hahaha!" And I shouted back: "Yeah...Why IS that, anyway? Why ARE you so sad all the time? I mean, you have everything, man! You have a...a...nevermind." "I have a what? C'mon, tell me!" *Should I? Maybe just this once, to make them appreciate their lives...to make me accept it too...* "I said, you should be thankful. You have a family! And friends who love you and don't just suddenly HATE YOU AND KILL YOU all of a sudden all because you love them too much...haha...ha..." Who was I kidding? Nobody would care. They'd just say I'm a liar who's 'trying hard' and 'feeling'. Without a word, Beija walked over to me and retracted her arms. *She's gonna punch me, isn't she? Good. No, wait, she's gonna grab a pointed object and stab me in the neck, right? Excellent.* But then, she stopped, and asked: "You need a hug, Growee. Will you die if I give you one?" *You know...I never really thought of that...* I was always the one who gave people hugs to make them feel better - not the other way around. But then, I realized that I needed one more than anyone else did. Funny. It's like handing out band-aids to people with scratches all your life, then realizing that you were soaking in your own blood from stab wounds littered all over your body.
Saturday was sad. I felt like I was dragging myself across an asphalt road. We had to go to Kate's pad for practice. Sure, her house was amazing, and her family was great. There was just something about the day...so unsettling...so deeply sad and hopeless. Like the earth itself was sighing. Lots of my classmates hugged me that day. They said it made them feel somewhat better when they were near me. They said I give off this sense of comfort and security...either that, or it's just that it feels good to hug someone who's tall and thin. Speaking of thin, I admit it. I'm anorexic. I realized I got thinner. So did everyone else. The bad news? So did my dad. He came up with a plan to pack some pounds into me. He would make sure I finish a whole cup of rice every meal, and drink a glass of milo. Either that, or he would send me to a hospital - again. What would I give to tell him that it's really his and kuya's fault I'm like this...Not being able to chat is the worst. Just when my friends need me to talk to them, I can't. Damn.
Sunday was murder. Me, my dad, and my bro went to greenbelt for a little bonding. All my brother did was suck up to dad and I was left alone all over again. I have nothing against kuya and dad getting along, it's actually a miracle...but...I couldn't help but feel catagelophobic all over again. We sat in starbucks, and they pretty much criticized every single girl they saw. It might seem like a mere game to them, but they have no idea how much it affects me. My bro would seethe at me to fix my hair, and my dad would growl at me to straighten my back and stop staring into space. I would just sit up, apologize, plaster on a smile, put on my kuya's shades, clench my right hand as tight as I could, and feel my long nails slowly slice into my palm...like acid...to take my mind off the stares people were giving me and all the insults my dad and bro were pelting at me. I secretly wished Pain and Death would crash through the glass walls, machine-gun every living creature in the resto, take me by the hand, and fly me off to a disco somewhere. Anyplace at all...where I don't have to feel so bad about myself...where I can be something more than what other people make me think I am...
Ah, Monday. March at last. I thought my fever already broke yesterday, but I still felt kinda woozy for the better part of the day. And for the fact that I had to paste and plaster all those decorations for asianfest all over the classroom standing on the teacher's table - feeling sick was a real drag. I nearly tipped over 3 times, and nearly blacked out twice. I had to eat alone again. Friends were too busy. No prob. The only consolation for me was this black butterfly that was kinda like playing hide-and-seek with me. It was fluttering around, catching my attention. And when I looked at it, it would duck behind some bush or fluorescent, and do the same thing over and over. Funny. At home, I learned that I spent a total of 30 hours on the net. Dad went bonkers. It's ok, I guess. All I really look forward to is chatting with my pals. My dad said I could use the net again, but he was on the phone for the longest time. I just spent the night memorizing lines and listening to Amy Lee while staring at my scars on my palm. They're barely visible, but hurts like heck. And the memories they remind me of hurt so much more...