Friday, March 5
Mar. 5 Friday
Im all alone...QUIZ TIME!
I was sick. My temperature was through the roof. I could barely hear, and couldn't focus my gaze properly. I was in a daze for the better part of the day. It was really quite...nice...funny. I dunno why, but I like the feeling of having a fever. I tend to sense the world in a much different and interesting way. It felt like I was seeing the world for the first time. Weird.
It's kinda scary at times, though. Coz people would be telling me something, and I wouldn't really pay that much attention to what they were saying. Whether it would be: "You should go to the clinic, Cel" or "Why are you just standing there, Cel, take your seats na daw!" or "Cel, baka mahulog ka jan!". Haha.
Oral English was cool. I was supposed to recite the lines of Shylock from the Merchant of Venice - the "To bait fish withall. If it will feed nothing else, it will feed my revenge." thing. As I was standing there in front, I knew. I just knew I was going to faint. Right then and there. Too warm...too tired...too...sick... But I thought that if I was going to blackout, I'd blackout with style. I wouldn't go without a fight. So I passed my hand across my face (I do that when I have to act like another person - the gesture represents the changing of appearance and character) and then...it worked. I really DID feel like the vengeful Shylock in the book. When I was giving my speech, I was shouting. And trembling with rage. My whole body - my lips, hands, and arms were shaking so much, I couldn't control myself at all. The scary part was, it felt like I was pouring out my suppressed emotions through the lines of my character. Since I hid all of them inside for so long, I guess they all exploded through an outlet - through the speech that reflected my own emotions. My whole being was begging to express everything in me, to the point that I was almost crying. I was so close to tears, I could feel them pounding behind my eyes, and taste them in my throat. Well, that was sick. Pathetic, really. I thought: *they probably all think my acting's real horrible, since I'm shaking uncontrollably, shouting, my voice was cracking, and I was about to cry.* This is unacceptable. I must not reveal my real self to the class. I must keep my emotions supressed. I must regain composure and deliver the speech like I practiced it. Properly.
And you know what was even scarier?
I liked it.
I liked the feel of the words pouring from my mouth, saturated with so much of my own hidden anger and rage. I liked the sound of my voice shouting and resonating around the building, even if it was breaking at some points. I liked the terrified and impressed expressions the whole class showed. I liked the adrenalin pounding through my veins. I liked the fact that the teacher actually let me finish the WHOLE SPEECH - unlike the others that she cut off after reciting a few lines.
In those explosive moments, I lost myself. "The Other" took over. When I regained complete control, the class was applauding so loudly, the teacher was smiling broadly, my friends were giving me all thumbs up, and... my right hand was throbbing with pain. I couldn't completely recall why, so when I asked Nica, it was because I was actually POUNDING the blackboard with it during the:"and what is his reason?!" part - so loud, even the other sections heard it. All my classmates said that I was excellent, and that they never saw anything like how I acted then. All I thought was: *That was a close one...I'm not trying that again anytime soon.* But hey, at least I got a 96. But was the grade worth almost exposing myself to the whole world?
Anyway, when club time came, I couldn't take it anymore. I collapsed against the cool railing and tried to massage my aching head and chest. After a while, though, somebody collapsed beside me. "You ok, Growee? Of course you're not. You need a hug!" And another. "Hey! Oy, Celine, you owe me a hug!*twitch*" And infront of me. "Oy, Cel, WHY AREN'T YOU GOING TONIGHT?! Sayang! I'm gonna wear a really cool outfit that I picked out from..." And another. "Hey, ates. 'Te Celine, please don't make it rain tonight, remember the stargazing!" And not long after... "O, ba't nanjan kayong lahat sa labas? Pasok kayo sa room, magsisimula na tayo." Hehe. We're ALL here.
Issa:(to Beija and Celine sitting beside each other) "You know, you guys look like a...couple."
Me:(not really listening) "Uh-huh."
Issa: "No, really! You do! (snickering)"
Me:(not really listening) "You don't say..."
Issa:(looks at both of them) "Although...I don't really know who's supposed to be the guy! (laughs out loud)"
Me:(not really listening) "Really, now...wait...(realized what she just said) WHAT?!" (whacks Issa's knee with kleenex tissue pack)
Issa: (to Celine) "You know, Celine...you're really...ANDROGYNOUS sometimes."
Me:(can't comprehend) "I guess..."
Issa: "I mean, from this angle..." (looks at them both) "You're VERY androgynous. It's weird."
Me:(trying to recall the word) "Sure I am...sure...(recalled the meaning of the word from an old song) wait...WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?! ARGH! GET AWAY!"
Issa:(rolls on floor laughing)
Me: "Well, try living without your mom for 7 years! Haha..ha..." (pauses)
Beija: "It's ok, Growee. I'll get my gun and make her shut up."
Issa: "HAHAHAHAHA!!!"
See what fever does to you?
It makes you go insane.
Well, in my case...
More insane than usual.
I went home CAT time. Nobody was online, so I was all alone.
You know what I did?
I just took quizzes! WAHAHAHAHA! I WAS ALL ALONE! WHEEEE!!!! SILENCE! WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN ITS SO QUIET?! YOU RELIVE YOUR FORGOTTEN PAST!!! INSTEAD OF HEALING MY WOUNDS, I JUST DUG THE GASHES DEEPER!!!! WAHOOOOO!!!!