Monday, March 1
Mar. 2 Tuesday
I don't get it. For once, I really don't.
I cried myself to sleep last night. That's nothing new, but the cause was different. I was able to use the net last night...at around 11 pm. I posted my entry, and viewed the other blogs. I'll just say that...one of them nearly made me short-cicuit the keyboard with my tears. Tears...God, I am so weak. It's disgusting. I fell asleep to the thoughts of: *Why is she so sad, then? How could she be sad with a life like hers - with a past like hers? With that kind of family, with those kinds of friends, with that kind of outlook on life...how could there be space for sadness? She should be thankful. Then why am I so sad about that? Is it because I envy her? Is it because I'm jelous? Or is it just because of the fact that she has practically everything I have ever wanted and needed, prayed for, and begged for, suffered for, and hoped for? Everything I've wanted for myself, everybody got - everybody except me. Is it really that much fun to watch me suffer, God?* God didn't answer. Instead, He still made me wake up in the morning. Fine, then. I made up my mind to simply live through this day for the sake of the asianfest. After that, it's 'big sleep' time. Either I jump, use a blade, or steal my dad's gun - anything. *there's no point anymore. I'll just keep living this stupid 'life' and suffer for no reason. The Reasons cannot do anything for me anymore - since the're the ones who are usually blessed with all the things I've always prayed for. The world would be a much better place without a stuuuupppiiiid creature like me, anyway. Peoples' lives would be so much better without me in it.* And so it went. How to live your last day. Pretty normal. Except when I was about to turn off the radio in my room to eat breakfast, a new song from hoobastank played. Guess what the title was. "The Reason". Cool melody. Excellent lyrics. I just wished it hadn't made me break down so early in the morning. The moment I set foot on AA grounds, I immediately filled my head with the thought that I'll end it all later. I won't have to suffer anymore. And nobody could change my agenda.
How wrong I was.
I got down from the bus, trudged 5 steps, then: "Growee! Hey, GROWEE! Haha! I know that slouch anywhere! Hahahahaha!" Great. God saves me from trudging to class feeling depressed. Instead, I trudged behind Beija and Camille, fighting back the urge to drop my bags and hug them for all I was worth. I usually walk behind people because I want to drink up all the little details - the sound of their voice, the strands of their hair, the way they walk, the way they laugh - and emblazon them in my memory so that I wouldn't forget the little simple things that make me so happy and thankful.
Now, about our play. My role was Emperor Wudi, and all I do is shout out orders and be...erm...served. The play was excellent! The fight scenes were awesome, and the death scenes were WAY cool! The whole audience was enjoying everything, especially the part where I shout out orders and get...erm...served. Haha. The concubines scene was a killer for everyone - especially me. As the scene went on, the only thought screaming in my head was: "Holy SHIT!!! She never did THAT during the rehearsals!!!" My death scene was real great...and quite painful. The protagonist (Mitchie) was supposed to grab me by the shoulder and push me to the ground. We rehearsed it countless times before, but I forgot how to land protectively. So instead of acting like I fell to the ground, I REALLY fell to the ground! I landed right on my butt bone, man! Hard! So hard that I actually BOUNCED! The whole audience heard the sickening thud, and cried: "Oooohhh! Grabe, ansakit non!" That was it. I thought I messed the whole play up. So much for my last day...hey, another reason for me to REALLY get it over with, right? And so I trudged back to the classrooms, thinking of how much of a pathetic loser wannabe actress I was. But surprisingly, every single batchmate I met greeted me with countless praises, bows, and salutes. They said stuff like: "SOBRANG GALING MO, EMPEROR!" or "PARE, ANLAKAS NG BOSES MO TALAGA!" or "KUHANG-KUHA MO YUNG CHARACTER NG EMPEROR!" and "HANGANG-HANGA AKO SAYO, CELINE! ANGSAKIT NG PAGKA-HULOG MO, PERO SIGE KA PA RIN SA PAG-AACT!" and "ANG GALING NG PAG-ACT MO! PAPATAYIN KO YANG SI MITCHIE SA PAGTULAK SA YO!" Weird. I felt like I was dreaming. God's making me change my agenda. But I still stuck to my plan. I told my friends that after the fest, I would "fall asleep for the longest time".
When I got home, I prepared my checklist: Swiss army knife, Gilette blade, Gun, Ammo, Suicide note...all check. Wait...one last time to chat on YM. *It's just the last one. Nothing special is gonna happen. Just try to cherish the last conversations with your pals.* And so it went. I told Steph: "I love you Steph. For all the things you've done for me, sobrang thank you talaga." She probably thought I was just joking, and replied: "Hehehe. Walang anuman!" then she logged out. But then, I got to chat with other people who...didn't think it was a joke. Took me seriously. That's a first. Although it made it harder for me to finish my agenda. Then, something was revealed to me. I was a reason. I was actually somebody's reason. At first, I couldn't help but feel...angry. *Why do you do this to me? What is it with you people? Is this some kind of game for you? Did you all just wake up one day and said: "Hey, let's all torture and kill Celine today, by claiming that she's a reason - since she's finally made up her mind to get it over with...coz we just loooove to watch her writhe in pain as she chokes on her own bile and blood for the sake of other people's happiness!" Are you just playing with me?* Turns out, she wasn't kidding. Dead serious. And if I killed myself, I'd probably kill her too. *Damn. The only reason why I would kill myself is to make other people happy - since I figured everyone would be happier if I was gone. I'd kill myself to stop hurting others. Heck, I'd kill myself to SAVE others! Call me overacting, but I will. Can you taste the irony in that?!* Pulled me, that one. I fell asleep to the thoughts of: *Im a reason...I'm a reason...Am I supposed to be happy? Since I'm a reason for someone to hold on to living? Or am I supposed to be sad? Since I've been screwed over countless times by so many people claiming almost the same thing? Oh well. Maybe she's not kidding...maybe I AM a reason. But WHY though? Why? I'm a nobody, I'm a stupid thing. I did nothing but hurt others, and yet... I just don't get it. For once...I really don't.*
I'm a reason. It's such a big deal to me.
I'm a reason.
I'm a reason...
*You have no idea how weird it feels.*